Posts
am in KL right now..transitting on my way to participating in the International Youth Forum in Sharm El-Sheikh, Egypt. and what a transit it is.
my flight to Cairo is at a half-hour over midnight, and I've been here since like two thirty. so it's been a long, long wait.
but during my wait, which I chose to spend by staying in the airport and read up on materials for the conference, I am totally flabbergasted by the inadequate attention my own government is giving to its airport, because KLIA, is, really, really good.
I think it even surpasses Singapore's Changi.
crap.
Recent Posts
Wednesday 29 August 2007
Monday 27 August 2007
feeling like so much crap
the title of this particular blog says it all really. I am, as of now, feeling like so much crap. Like shit, if I want to be crude about it. why?
well there's actually a couple of reasons as to why. but the main reason why I'm feeling like this, is because of this one person I know. for the sake of maintaining privacy and avoiding childish name-calling (as well as for my own personal security reason lest this blog gets read by the person itself or some untrustworthy other, I.E. protecting my BUTT from getting unnecessary and most definitely unwanted kicks), lets name this person 'X'.
so I met X today, my heart beating erratically as it always does whenever the occasion, as this one, forces me to come face to face with X, as X is a person I must say I do not particularly like, and can certainly say that I harbor a rather strong dislike for. and I didn't meet X alone, no. but with a couple of other people who had to be there too.
the meeting started off well enough, X giving out X's trademark dry jokes to which all of us painfully forced a laugh at, and like I had predicted only too well a couple of days ago since I got X's call summoning me to meet X , the meeting then went downhill. horribly so.
X lectured about ethics, how it was imprudent for us students to go off on a particular trip, bearing the faculty's name and all, but not letting some people who needed to be told know about us going on said trip. about my failure to notify said people. questioned the most recent team who went abroad for one of such strips who failed to pay a visit to X before leaving, never mind letting the other people know, about how X has not received my organization's timetable, which I'm telling you now, was not my fault since the person I had delegated the duty to had performed disgustingly unwell by derelicting his duty, for the umpteenth time, down the drain, leaving me to bear all the flipping blame which shouldn't be borne by me at all.
and then X carried on about ethics again, X ever carefully phrasing X's sentences and elaborating his point in such a way as to not say expressly but expressly implying X's contention and personal view I've no doubt, of my person, that I, the bloody so-called best oralist is in possession of an uncaring nature, certain disrespect for elders, or rather, for particular people that I should pay more specific attention to, by assuming and judging opinionatedly of my behavior and relationships, by X saying this and that bla bla bla, which though perhaps had a lining of truth somewhere in it was still nevertheless unjust, unfair, and plausibly untrue for the most part.
and if I were to make this long story short, what it comes down to is X successfully made me feel low, downtrodden heart-wrenchingly degraded, and like I was the biggest pile of shit who ever had the grace to be wasted on this godforsaken planet.
I can readily enough, though perhaps somewhat reluctant, submit to the fact that X had good intentions. (with hidden agenda of course. doh.) and I can just as well readily agree to some of X's points.
but I just hated, the way X chose to address the painstaking issue, where I felt cornered and defenseless, where now that I come to think of it, I in fact have some reasons to explain, not justify, those actions and situations which were partial to his dislike.
I did my best not to shed tears before him and other people who were present who would then bear witness to my weakness (yeah, I have an unfortunately humongous ego which I sometimes resent to the largest extent), but as soon as I got home, on a speeding frenzy and myself probably became the numero uno reason to a number of drivers' rising emotions whom I carelessly honked at quite barbarically along the way., I bawled my eyes out like some four year-old who just had her lollipop brutally taken out of her hands.
it's only natural of course, then, for me to choose posting this blog in blue, it being the color of the day.
and after all this ranting, I haven't even come to the other reason why I'm feeling like crap: I have ticketing problems for my due flight to Egypt in two days. but now I haven't the energy to rant about that too, so I'll save it for another time, unless this reason in the near future is solved and as a result becomes nonexistent.
well there's actually a couple of reasons as to why. but the main reason why I'm feeling like this, is because of this one person I know. for the sake of maintaining privacy and avoiding childish name-calling (as well as for my own personal security reason lest this blog gets read by the person itself or some untrustworthy other, I.E. protecting my BUTT from getting unnecessary and most definitely unwanted kicks), lets name this person 'X'.
so I met X today, my heart beating erratically as it always does whenever the occasion, as this one, forces me to come face to face with X, as X is a person I must say I do not particularly like, and can certainly say that I harbor a rather strong dislike for. and I didn't meet X alone, no. but with a couple of other people who had to be there too.
the meeting started off well enough, X giving out X's trademark dry jokes to which all of us painfully forced a laugh at, and like I had predicted only too well a couple of days ago since I got X's call summoning me to meet X , the meeting then went downhill. horribly so.
X lectured about ethics, how it was imprudent for us students to go off on a particular trip, bearing the faculty's name and all, but not letting some people who needed to be told know about us going on said trip. about my failure to notify said people. questioned the most recent team who went abroad for one of such strips who failed to pay a visit to X before leaving, never mind letting the other people know, about how X has not received my organization's timetable, which I'm telling you now, was not my fault since the person I had delegated the duty to had performed disgustingly unwell by derelicting his duty, for the umpteenth time, down the drain, leaving me to bear all the flipping blame which shouldn't be borne by me at all.
and then X carried on about ethics again, X ever carefully phrasing X's sentences and elaborating his point in such a way as to not say expressly but expressly implying X's contention and personal view I've no doubt, of my person, that I, the bloody so-called best oralist is in possession of an uncaring nature, certain disrespect for elders, or rather, for particular people that I should pay more specific attention to, by assuming and judging opinionatedly of my behavior and relationships, by X saying this and that bla bla bla, which though perhaps had a lining of truth somewhere in it was still nevertheless unjust, unfair, and plausibly untrue for the most part.
and if I were to make this long story short, what it comes down to is X successfully made me feel low, downtrodden heart-wrenchingly degraded, and like I was the biggest pile of shit who ever had the grace to be wasted on this godforsaken planet.
I can readily enough, though perhaps somewhat reluctant, submit to the fact that X had good intentions. (with hidden agenda of course. doh.) and I can just as well readily agree to some of X's points.
but I just hated, the way X chose to address the painstaking issue, where I felt cornered and defenseless, where now that I come to think of it, I in fact have some reasons to explain, not justify, those actions and situations which were partial to his dislike.
I did my best not to shed tears before him and other people who were present who would then bear witness to my weakness (yeah, I have an unfortunately humongous ego which I sometimes resent to the largest extent), but as soon as I got home, on a speeding frenzy and myself probably became the numero uno reason to a number of drivers' rising emotions whom I carelessly honked at quite barbarically along the way., I bawled my eyes out like some four year-old who just had her lollipop brutally taken out of her hands.
it's only natural of course, then, for me to choose posting this blog in blue, it being the color of the day.
and after all this ranting, I haven't even come to the other reason why I'm feeling like crap: I have ticketing problems for my due flight to Egypt in two days. but now I haven't the energy to rant about that too, so I'll save it for another time, unless this reason in the near future is solved and as a result becomes nonexistent.
Thursday 23 August 2007
struggle
I am brainstorming with all my might, so that I can write a thesis that far surpasses my beliefs, and my hope is that it would even be good enough to be made into a book.
but alas, like all good stories, nothing is ever that simple. aiiight?
see, what I really want to write about is capital flight. but no matter how I look at it, whichever point I take myself to and take myself out of, I seem to end up in one direction and one direction only: that in the end I'll be talking about expropriation or nationalisation, which is a part of public international law.
why this poses a dilemma for me, is because I major in business law. which means I cannot take a theme which belongs to other majors. unless I want to side-track, which is completely out of the question since I despise the lecturers who reside in that particular field.
and I've been researching. but I always seem to come up with only economic aspects of it, and not the law related ones, which is what I really need.
so now I'm looking for a substitute theme, just in case I don't make it with this one. every day is like a nightmare, with me going to bed thinking: what if I don't graduate by January??? what if my thesis don't make sense?? and more 'what-ifs'.
which sucks.
but alas, like all good stories, nothing is ever that simple. aiiight?
see, what I really want to write about is capital flight. but no matter how I look at it, whichever point I take myself to and take myself out of, I seem to end up in one direction and one direction only: that in the end I'll be talking about expropriation or nationalisation, which is a part of public international law.
why this poses a dilemma for me, is because I major in business law. which means I cannot take a theme which belongs to other majors. unless I want to side-track, which is completely out of the question since I despise the lecturers who reside in that particular field.
and I've been researching. but I always seem to come up with only economic aspects of it, and not the law related ones, which is what I really need.
so now I'm looking for a substitute theme, just in case I don't make it with this one. every day is like a nightmare, with me going to bed thinking: what if I don't graduate by January??? what if my thesis don't make sense?? and more 'what-ifs'.
which sucks.
Sunday 19 August 2007
Reflections
the vision staring back at me
through the especial glass allows
and allows me not to see
truth
the eyes would only take to view
that which is penetrable to the mind
for we often would refuse to see
what to others is simple clarity
possibly illness,
political corrections,
or blatant rejection
that serves as platonic grounds
for why we are
who we are.
Excuses stretch only for a time
and white lies only go so far
what was once the only thread
has branched out, is imbued and
imbibed
by all the others.
and as fingers touch cold surface
wanton fleetings seep in and out
pondering chances,
pondering imponderables,
where question marks floats and out numbers
the little of faith and reason that is left
to be replaced by growing doubt
and restless fear
that efforts to block out and repel
proves both futile and immaterial.
For black on white is
white to black
and either prospect's dark
and so it will remain thereafter
unless we take the plunge
and brave ourselves
for what is yet to come.
through the especial glass allows
and allows me not to see
truth
the eyes would only take to view
that which is penetrable to the mind
for we often would refuse to see
what to others is simple clarity
possibly illness,
political corrections,
or blatant rejection
that serves as platonic grounds
for why we are
who we are.
Excuses stretch only for a time
and white lies only go so far
what was once the only thread
has branched out, is imbued and
imbibed
by all the others.
and as fingers touch cold surface
wanton fleetings seep in and out
pondering chances,
pondering imponderables,
where question marks floats and out numbers
the little of faith and reason that is left
to be replaced by growing doubt
and restless fear
that efforts to block out and repel
proves both futile and immaterial.
For black on white is
white to black
and either prospect's dark
and so it will remain thereafter
unless we take the plunge
and brave ourselves
for what is yet to come.
Friday 17 August 2007
Jeremiad
Life is about choices. right? or at least, that's how I've always viewed it. Between sinful offerings and daiphanous thinkings, and not to forget impulsive cravings, the Big Guy sure did make the world a difficult place to live in.
am I complaining?
you could say that. or, you can choose a more preferable alternative (to me anyways), and say that I'm being critical and thoughtful.
I, however, will choose neither excuse, silly, pitiful and unjust as they are, and go with the simple truth: I, down to my small and insignificant toes, am lost and am looking in every angle possibly viewed through 360 degrees rotation to justify my present state, which is sad, lazy, and oh, very, very, ugly.
I've got what looks like a large pile of quixotic wantings, unwavering from their limbo since I've deigned to keep myself like this.
yes, I know I shouldn't. yes, I know it's bordering shameless. yes, I don't need to be told that I need to get my huge butt off my bed and rise and shine to greet the day instead of lazying about abed.
but my knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier for me to do just that: getting up.
now, even though I've just described this in a way that I'm sure is visual to you, rest assured what I mean to say is not so much visual than being hypothetic.
I need to get up, as in, get my thoughts composed, emotions controlled, and to quit lollying about like some waddling dolphins in the arctics.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and have arrived at a somewhat palpable conclusion that I simply enjoy being in this state.
I don't mean that I'm thrilled with the fact that I can't graduate in four years as is the normal length of time of studying for law students (undergraduates) in my country, hell no. if anything, the thought positively itches me, and makes me want to wail, pathetic as it may sound.
no, I hate it.
on the other hand however, my life, which, even if I do not yet have it sorted out completely, had, invisible latitude and longitude lines drawn on it, marking the main things I would like to achieve in what probably is going to be a short life.
does it mean I'm sorted out then?
no. because those lines, had, as of a couple of weeks ago, been tarnished by close-to-snide comments, and lucid doubts, upon my goals. so I've gone back many a step, retreated, and question those temporary decisions of mine.
around here then, the subject of this particular blog should be cleared well up. I am, pondering what seems to be imponderables, dwellings on 'mights' and 'probably nots', and am drawing to a close to biting off quite a bit more than I can chew.
"easy does it," people always say.
as you should already gather by now, I've got more than a couple of things to say to that.
am I complaining?
you could say that. or, you can choose a more preferable alternative (to me anyways), and say that I'm being critical and thoughtful.
I, however, will choose neither excuse, silly, pitiful and unjust as they are, and go with the simple truth: I, down to my small and insignificant toes, am lost and am looking in every angle possibly viewed through 360 degrees rotation to justify my present state, which is sad, lazy, and oh, very, very, ugly.
I've got what looks like a large pile of quixotic wantings, unwavering from their limbo since I've deigned to keep myself like this.
yes, I know I shouldn't. yes, I know it's bordering shameless. yes, I don't need to be told that I need to get my huge butt off my bed and rise and shine to greet the day instead of lazying about abed.
but my knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier for me to do just that: getting up.
now, even though I've just described this in a way that I'm sure is visual to you, rest assured what I mean to say is not so much visual than being hypothetic.
I need to get up, as in, get my thoughts composed, emotions controlled, and to quit lollying about like some waddling dolphins in the arctics.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and have arrived at a somewhat palpable conclusion that I simply enjoy being in this state.
I don't mean that I'm thrilled with the fact that I can't graduate in four years as is the normal length of time of studying for law students (undergraduates) in my country, hell no. if anything, the thought positively itches me, and makes me want to wail, pathetic as it may sound.
no, I hate it.
on the other hand however, my life, which, even if I do not yet have it sorted out completely, had, invisible latitude and longitude lines drawn on it, marking the main things I would like to achieve in what probably is going to be a short life.
does it mean I'm sorted out then?
no. because those lines, had, as of a couple of weeks ago, been tarnished by close-to-snide comments, and lucid doubts, upon my goals. so I've gone back many a step, retreated, and question those temporary decisions of mine.
around here then, the subject of this particular blog should be cleared well up. I am, pondering what seems to be imponderables, dwellings on 'mights' and 'probably nots', and am drawing to a close to biting off quite a bit more than I can chew.
"easy does it," people always say.
as you should already gather by now, I've got more than a couple of things to say to that.
All The Time
all the time
you uncover me bare with your eyes
you unwind my lies with a smile
and you can tell, you can perfectly tell
when I'm unwell
all the time
you shake me out of my system
you put me back in my place if you know
I've gone too far outside the line
all the time
I'm as good as naked in your eyes
and you're as good as shadows in the dark
you never tell, and I rarely can tell
all the time
I'd wish you to come up and come out
so I can break down all these walls that
I can't readily see but you keep out
all the time
I'd be close to tears trying to figure out
but I never could and I'm as close
to understanding you like I know I'm lost
all the time
you get me before I
get it out
you stop me from becoming
what I know is the worst side of myself
all the time
you lead me back when I'm seconds from
giving up
if only with a wink and a reassuring smile
that I will, I will get through it all
without so much of a sweat breaking down my wall
yeah, all the time
I'm as good as naked in your eyes
and you're as good as shadows in the dark
you never tell, and I rarely can tell
all the time
I'd wish you to come up and come out
so I can break down all these walls that
I can't readily see but you keep out
all the time
I'd be close to tears trying to figure out
but I never could and I'm as close
to understanding you like I know I'm lost
you uncover me bare with your eyes
you unwind my lies with a smile
and you can tell, you can perfectly tell
when I'm unwell
all the time
you shake me out of my system
you put me back in my place if you know
I've gone too far outside the line
all the time
I'm as good as naked in your eyes
and you're as good as shadows in the dark
you never tell, and I rarely can tell
all the time
I'd wish you to come up and come out
so I can break down all these walls that
I can't readily see but you keep out
all the time
I'd be close to tears trying to figure out
but I never could and I'm as close
to understanding you like I know I'm lost
all the time
you get me before I
get it out
you stop me from becoming
what I know is the worst side of myself
all the time
you lead me back when I'm seconds from
giving up
if only with a wink and a reassuring smile
that I will, I will get through it all
without so much of a sweat breaking down my wall
yeah, all the time
I'm as good as naked in your eyes
and you're as good as shadows in the dark
you never tell, and I rarely can tell
I'd wish you to come up and come out
so I can break down all these walls that
I can't readily see but you keep out
all the time
I'd be close to tears trying to figure out
but I never could and I'm as close
to understanding you like I know I'm lost
Cherry Pop
so here I go again making another blog when I've actually already got three. or one really, since I don't update the other two.
and obviously the question is why I bother putting myself through all the trouble of creating another blog. Well, it's nothing to do with my dissatisfaction with the one I have on myspace, no, I'm very much fond of that one,..but I suppose I just wanted a change. (of what?) a change of atmosphere, a change of 'feel', a change of audience, a change of style. those would be some changes for starters. although I doubt it'd be much of a change of style since I generally stick to what I like and be done with it. (I can imagine some people who'd snort at this statement, said snort lined with much opinionated opinions. whatever.)
anyway, I thought I'd make my first entry here short. I don't really feel like writing a big gala entrance for this cherry pop.
and obviously the question is why I bother putting myself through all the trouble of creating another blog. Well, it's nothing to do with my dissatisfaction with the one I have on myspace, no, I'm very much fond of that one,..but I suppose I just wanted a change. (of what?) a change of atmosphere, a change of 'feel', a change of audience, a change of style. those would be some changes for starters. although I doubt it'd be much of a change of style since I generally stick to what I like and be done with it. (I can imagine some people who'd snort at this statement, said snort lined with much opinionated opinions. whatever.)
anyway, I thought I'd make my first entry here short. I don't really feel like writing a big gala entrance for this cherry pop.
