About Life

Some people have a pretty bended view of life.
I talk not of life as in the ordinary definition which is the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual.

But life - in the sense of what truly matters, which would make one happy, content and well-rested.
In the sense of - finding that heaven on earth. As in, you are my life.

Because face it, you only get to live once, right? What's the point if you don't get to feel like you're in paradise when you're here. Once your breath stops - that is it.

I know that many put different values and marks on all the components that makes life what it is.
I know that I've been cursed by many for choosing my path.
I know that many call me stupid, idiotic, foolish, dumb, and just down-right...meaningless.

And I have been called many things. A bitch. Heartless. Evil. Weirdo. Fucked-up. Black-hearted. All sorts of things.

I have been back-stabbed, one too many times.
I have been heartbroken - by those I loved and friends, and those I had thought and considered to be very good friends of mine. And cried my heart out for the treachery.

In fact, I have recently been brokenhearted once more.

Each and every one of those beautiful mistakes, have made me who I am.

So if they think that they matter to me - they are sorely, deeply, and greatly mistaken.

They may have my attention, but they have not my care. And call me what you like - I don't give out second chances. Once you're out - there is no way in hell you're getting back in.

And I get back to my first point about life. It's too short for you to waste thinking, pondering, considering about things that don't even care about you. That don't even consider how you would feel. How you would see things. How would you approach a certain issue, or non-issue, as it appears to be.

Dedicate your life only to those who has your back - when you're one step from dying.
And to those, who would take the knife for you.

So people, people can curse me all they want. Call me whatever you want. Treat me however you wish to. You have free will. And you are free to think and feel.

But, so am I.

Now the question is, do I have a bended view of life?

I like to think that I'm pretty simple to figure out. I really don't ask for much. A little honesty, even when I know I don't want to hear it. But most importantly, loyalty.

I place not all the gold and pearls in the world on coca-cola-like wealth. One that tastes so good as it passes down your throat, but kills your limbs slowly on the inside.
I place not all the love in the world on insipid objects that many think are worth so much - because they will not make me happy in the end.

And it truly saddens me to know, that there are those who do not get it.

But that is life.

These things I'll Never Say

So close to midnight
Under the streetlights
Leaving behind what I don`t need

I`ve walked like a blind man
And my eyes are open
And you are the only place for me

Won't you hold on just for a while
Please don`t give up on me tonight

Coz I`m on my way
I chased the day
Yeah I`ll keep running all night

I just won't rest to catch my breath
I will run every red light

To get to you
No I will, get to you
No I will, get to you

I`ll chase past the tail lights

Head for the skyline

Hoping that, that won't change your faith

I see them appearing
The cracks in the pavement
Running I pray I`m not too late

Won't you hold on just for a while
Please
Please don`t give up on me tonight

Coz I`m on my way
I`ll chase the day
Yeah I`ll keep running all night

I just won't rest to catch my breath
I will run every red light

To get to you
No I will get to you
No I will get to you
I will

I`ll get to you
Just hold on a little longer
I`ll get to you
Oh just don`t give up on me
I will get to
I will get to you

Coz I`m on my way
I chased the day
Yeah I`ll keep running all night.

*** full credits to James Morrison.
***title credits to Avril Lavigne.

Lyrical Lies

An old man gave me a tip he said
"Don't waste your time with politics" he said
"Just chase skirts instead"
"Life is too short, and you're almost dead" he said
"I met a woman once, I gave her my best shot"
"But never did I talk and talk and talk"
"If I had her back, I'd be as real as my age"
"I so don't blame them, I wouldn't do the same"
"But I can blame them, I'd sing her this"

And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip

And I think what I just wrote is going over my head
I'm stealing lines from myself
And what I said was never said
It's just a lyrical lie
Made up in my mind

And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip

You're moving but not aware
You're drowsy without a care
Except keeping your whites behind your lids
And your lids are your best canvas
I can only imagine what you're painting, what you're painting
And your body on my mattress is proof
And your makeup on my pillow is proof
But do you think I am telling you the truth

It's just a lyrical lie
Made up in my mind

And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip

And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip

***full credits to Cute is What We Aim For.

Here is Gone

You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
...
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
...
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be
...

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all...

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
...
And I was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me
...

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need a fall out
Of all the past that's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling

I know it's out there
...
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
...
Somehow here is gone
I know it's out there
...
Somehow here is gone

***
John Rzeznik of the incomparable Goo Goo Dolls, will always have my love.

Juli di Bulan Juni

Ku buka mata
Kilau mentari
Kini cahyanya sedikit berbeda, karna ku berubah

Sudut pandangku:
Kini dunia tak lagi
Tempat yang keji, dimana hati
dingin dan beku

ada kala hati dan ketulusan
dimana seharusnya

Ku membiarkan
cinta bekerja
menyembuhkan hatiku
Ku membiarkan
mu menyentuhku
dengan ketulusanmu
Ku membiarkan
Dunia keji
Kini ku milikimu

Di Juni ini
Aku berjanji
kepada hati untuk tak lagi
merasa sedih

Ku membiarkan
Cinta bekerja
menyembuhkan hatiku
Ku membiarkan
mu menyentuhku
dengan ketulusanmu


***full credits to: Sarah Silaban. Possibly the greatest female artist in Indonesia.

Just the Way You Are Perfectly Imperfect

"Sorry, but this is the best I could do," Jake said wryly, holding a cup of punch on each hand. Allyson smiled her tenth smile at him. He'd counted. "Are you cold?"

"No," Al replied as she received the cup from him.

"You are," he said. He put down his cup and shrugged out of his coat.

"There's no need—" Al started to reply.

"Take it," Jake insisted. He took her hand, placed the coat, and walked away to the other side of the terrace. "Look, I'm going to stay right here," he said in a playful tone as he leaned on a pillar. "I won't bite."

"It's a beautiful night," Allyson said, studying him from twenty feet away. It had been ages since she'd last seen Christopher. When Jake returned to their table for a second time, it didn't take long for Chris to figure things out and he had jokingly reprimanded her for making him feel unwanted. How could you let my sister cajole me into going with you when you really intended to dump the prince for the frog?

She didn't know how long she had danced with Jake, didn't even think she'd listened to anything but the steady beating of his heart. If Lou could see her now, she'd be bursting with laughter. Lou had told her not to avoid Jake. But dancing? Now that was way more than expected. But for tonight, Al didn't care.

"Sam's been looking for you," he said in a deep voice.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Thought someone had kidnapped you to keep you away from us," he replied in an amused voice. "She misses you." I miss you.

"I miss her, too," Allyson replied sincerely.

Do you miss me, Beauty?

"Suddenly, she wants a big motorcycle so she could go around town and see everyone else," he said with a smile. "I don't want to disappoint her."

"You couldn't," Al replied without thinking.

He was immensely pleased with her remark but knew that it was far from the truth. "Oh, I have. Many times." He stayed silent for awhile then broke it with a loaded statement. "Just like I've disappointed you. Many times."

"Jake—"

"I like it when you say my name. Do you know that?" he paused, seeing her color with his remark. "And when you blush like that and I could see it from twenty feet? Very appealing."

"Are you teasing me?" Allyson asked laughingly.

He straightened from his leaning position and started walking around the terrace. It was a long time before either of them spoke. "When you walked out of the theater that day, I thought you'd never talk to me again. I was so happy because I'd finally made my peace with my father but it was hard seeing you leave without word." He smiled sadly, and looked like he was reliving the memory. "He was a good father, Al, before…before she left us. Now he's trying. And doing good, I might add. But sometimes, I'm still scared," he said hoarsely. "still scared."

He stopped and leaned lightly on a pillar, seemingly trying to control himself. When he looked up, his eyes were mysteriously shiny. "I'm sorry, Ally."

"Jake," she finally spoke, desperate to keep the light-hearted they'd had all evening. "We've already done this. I've forgiven you. It's over."

"No!" he snapped out, now clutching at the railings. "I hurt you so much. No matter how many times I want to forget about it, I couldn't erase that image of you looking so terribly hurt. I ignored you and treated you horribly. That day," he stopped with a catch in his voice. "That day I was so crazed trying to avoid you that something in me just snapped. I thought she was you. You have to believe me, Allie. I know I ignored you on purpose, I pushed you away. But I would never go that far. I wouldn't do that to you. You have to believe me," he said, almost pleading. "I pushed you away because I knew it would hurt you if you stayed with me. I thought I was protecting you. But I ended up hurting you anyway. Now that I think about it, I think I did it for selfish reasons. I was…afraid that you'd see me for who I was. Trouble with a capital T."

She should have stayed where she was, but she found herself walking towards him, needing to comfort him. "Don't do this to yourself," she whispered achingly, her hands caressing his arm lightly.

Her touch was bittersweet, lulling him temporarily to hopeless illusions. Then he covered her hands with his and slowly turned towards her, almost ready to take the plunge. He watched the expressions dancing across her face. Surprise, anxiety, anticipation. Forgiveness. "How could I have hurt you" he asked tenderly, as he brushed his knuckles brightly over her cheeks, his heart raring to make the final leap, "when I love you so much?"

He silenced any response from her as he covered her lips with his. He felt her go rigid in his arms and knew she was trying to fight him with indifference. He moved his mouth over hers but she remained impassive. Lifting his head to look at her startled emerald eyes, he begged her with his eyes. Please. He kissed her with aching tenderness, pleaded with her to return the kiss. And when she finally gave in to the kiss, he lost all control as he tightened his arms around her, cupping her head to draw her even closer to him. He was like a soldier who had gone on days without water. He couldn't seem to get enough of her. She was sweet and so perfect in his arms.

At the back of her mind, Allyson knew it was wrong. But she could resist him no longer. Not when he was kissing her with such need, as if he couldn't go on without her. So she felt herself giving back, asking him to take what he would, her heart treacherously going against her mind. Suddenly, his words rushed over her and they chilled her like ice. How could I have hurt you…when I love you so much? She broke away abruptly from the kiss, a pounding headache threatening to overwhelm her.

"No," she whispered hoarsely.

"Yes!" he insisted, desperate to keep her in his arms. He was about to bend down for another kiss when she pushed him away hard.

"How could you do this?" she asked, begged in a confused tone. "I can't believe this," she said in disbelief, as she turned away from him. Finding her purse at the nearby chair, she left the terrace without another word, desperate to get as far away from him as possible.

He didn't go after her, knowing it would be fruitless. He had one shot. And he had missed. He sat on the step, stared blankly ahead, and felt like crying.

***

credits to: dream6-20 at http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2028013/24/Just_the_Way_You_Are_Perfectly_Imperfect

Privy

I am privy to information that you don't want me to know
I am privy to feelings that you try so damn hard to not show
I am privy to conflicts that you try to avoid and untangle
but it shows

I am privy to details that you think I do not know of
I am privy to connections that you don't know I'm in possession of
and I am privy to the feeling that you're lost
and you don't even know you're lost
or that you've lost

We will never be the same
We will never be the same again
Neither time or reconstruction will allow
Neither effort nor attempt will make a difference
Things just won't ever be the same
and well I know it
and now you know it
too.

The Facebook Mania and All of Its Pettiness

The reason why I am writing about the title you read for this post is simple: it's because I've grown to hate reading people of a certain country's status updates on Facebook.

It's been known for long that people of this country is just...gay. Not 'gay' as in homosexual - there is nothing wrong with that, I could care less about one's sexual preference. And not 'gay' as in happiness either.
But 'gay', as in the meaning that is gaudy, garish and intense. Now let me tell you why.

People living in this certain country lives in phases. Once a particular trend enters the market, so the people would adhere to and change in accordance with it. They mold themselves to fit that trend. It's sickening.

I crave, the days when I was only one of so few people in this country who knew about the phenomenon that is Facebook, where I could write on my close friends' wall without worrying that several hundred others will know what I wrote - because it's usually personal. I crave, that quiet tranquility of being a user of a technology that has not been abused.

In those days, one is saved from the misery that comes with reading all of the confusing, stupid, vapid comments and status updates that now seems to contaminate the entirety of Facebook. But I don't want you to get me wrong. It's not all of the ones in my so-called friends list that are putting up silly updates which, I really honestly am not interested to read. Only those who are registered as nationals of this certain country. And I don't mind to read about some national's of this certain country's updates.

But as for the majority rest - I feel like it's such a waste.

A waste of my time, effort, and most importantly, energy.

Do you know that no other country's citizens does that? Maybe you know, but if you don't, now you know.

Another reason that it's such a ludicrous waste, is because the citizens of this particular country, has a habit of adding people that they don't even know! For some bizarre reason, they like to add people whom they've heard of, or has a secondary, tertiary connection to through their first-degree friends. And then once they're added, they don't even say hi. It's like the only reason for requesting those friendship approvals is so that people either know, or can be aware that they are 'friends' with that person, or because they want to see this person's updates or walls, or infos or photos.

OH - and then they comment too on these people's photos that they don't even know of!

I'm like, what - the - fuck?


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely why I try, as much as I can these days, to stay the hell away from Facebook.

Because what they say is true - you are better off not knowing, than knowing.

The Unnatural

It's only natural that you would feel
the world that you see is a syndicate
and the box in which you live in, an sphere
But it's only unnatural that I would feel
that the waters I swim in is clean
my eyes cannot see into the light
the curtains are all that is in sight
and they would not budge

It's only natural that you would feel
that it is impossible to heal
the wounds wrought too deep to cover
and sewing back erases not the marks
But unnatural it is that I
would be incapable of knowing
or telling the differences that lie
the paths that you and I walk in
have broken up in opposing directions
and I can't hold your hand now
and you can't see my tears now

It's only natural that here
is where we etch history
I've sung out anthems in glory
and you've fought wars in all forms of bravery
but a closer look inside
reveals blood
we're both bleeding from our sacrifices
and while pain is not unnatural
the attempt to believe it's real and happening
will always be unnatural to me

***H.Az