the trouble with me

is that I'm an excellent procrastinator. If it was a job, I'll be filthy rich without even trying.
Consequently - I still haven't made any progress with my thesis, surprise surprise. So I've been stumbling upon
websites on top of websites for some desperately needed motivation.

Today, I came across this excellent, excellent site which gave me exactly what I sought for.
The postings are truly refreshing - and woke me up from the slumber I've put myself into for the last couple of months. Here's the tips they gave:

(DISCLAIMER: here's the page where I got the following from)

(1) Work With The Compass, Not The Clock

Delay your gratification but keep your eye closely on your objectives. Most importantly, don’t compare with your peers. It’s easy to get frustrated if you’re constantly watching how long your pal take to graduate, generate his first $10,000 or move up the corporate ladder as compared to what you’re doing.

Spend more time instead evaluating if you on the right track in the beginning. For example, are you’re embarking on the right course of study? Is your marketing strategy effective for your business in the first place? Do you like what you’re doing in your job? Once you’re clear of the direction you’re heading, you’ll be less focused on the urgency to perform “up to speed”. Remember. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

(2) See How Far You’ve Gone, Not How Far You Have To Go

Staying motivated throughout this seemingly long route to success can be quite a challenge. Especially if you’re working on it alone. Instead of counting down the number of years you’ve to go before graduation, the amount of dollars to reach $10,000 or the days to the next promotion, take a moment to flag down the milestones you’ve accomplished thus far. Celebrate each one of them with a nice pat on the back and top it up with a nice reward. Don’t forget to practice the art of daily motivation too. As you continue to do so, you’ll find that you’re still counting.

But this time, you’re counting your blessings. Not what you’re missing.

(3) Don’t Doubt Your Beliefs Or Believe in Your Doubts

At times, you may be tempted to judge if you should have taken this route instead of that seemingly quick and easy path. Don’t. Because although you may able to find a lot of quick and easy schemes, it’s very unlikely you’ll find one that sustains. By doubting that you can achieve success working a particular slow but impeccable plan, your resultant actions can ruin the efforts that you’ve put in so far.

Take for example, liquidating a well designed index funds portfolio to invest in riskier instruments or giving up a course of study just because you’re not performing well in the first year. At the end of the day, those who succeed are the ones who persist, never once doubting their beliefs in the process.

-

Now I've got to make myself focus.

Bittersweet the Lie

The word is that I'm hurt, and that 'tis a perfunctory job
that I am attracted to catastrophes,half-truths and empty lies.
The word is that you're interested and so curious to know
but mellow saddened features you put on won't make me show.
Such is the sentiments typical of one on the verge of desperateness
with ever lingering silence and tunnel vision for company.
I can do this for hours at a time and many more
and so can guarantee you would not last long in my shoes.
Sweet, it's not a wonder why I'm like this. why I can't breathe.
and I bet, I bet you think you know why.
but Sweet, please don't be so sure.
you just might be proven wrong, and
I'd hate to see you cry.

Borrowed Time

I was sitting there waiting for the sands to fall
while the clock beside me ticks by
You could say that I was running from the rain and storm
but we both know better, we both know it's a lie
I was waiting there with the greatest of hopes on the edge
just slightly short of falling into
nothing and everything
nothing yet everything

and I'm living through this now on borrowed time
God only knows if I'll make it through without you
nothing is ever as it was to me before
and I'm still not able to make sense of
anything.. yeah

You were more than just a memory
If I could, believe me I would have erased you
but things are always easier said than done
and so
I stood by on the weakened ledge
about to fall away, silently hoping that
you'll be there again to catch me
yet I know that I cannot afford
to appease empty wishes such as these

and I'm living through this now on borrowed time
God only knows if I'll make it through without you
nothing is ever as it was to me and I
cannot see what's right in front of me
I'm covered neck-deep in quicksand
while your face floats by I live on through
borrowed time

Remiss thoughts

it's a distance that no one would admit to creating
in maintenance of each separate holding and
in persistent effort to hang on to hidden interests
the pillars are that which surrounds unprosaic
a few tete-a-tetes to ease the stiffness in the air
a somewhat unconvincing gesture to ease and lay bare
all that is pounding non-stop at our heads
and I am nowhere near to understanding
nor do I seek to release the truth out of you
I just thought you would be considerate and knowing
mayhap expectations are not akin to rightful wanting
so while reading the signs and keeping up with the time
running as the currents try to pull me back into the
unsteady waters
unclear weather that
the captain is left clueless to navigate
and the ship is heading for a sinking, unknown though
perhaps not uncared for.

to kill or live with it

the mangy maniac spits and splutters
a braggadocio of a fart
creepy crawling tangling weaving
silly webs of confused brainstorming
thunder boils and seeps silently in
stirring anger wrath included
curses sworn with pleasure thrown
the mangy maniac in blisfull unaware
is ignorant, empty bottled, full of crock
that the want to rise and stuff whole dock
only so mangy maniac opens eyes and unlocks
only to find the want in nothing but in mock

Wherever life takes me vs. My take on life

I believe this is a common question among all of us. One that each and every human being ponders about once in a while, if not all the time. It relates to something which I've mentioned briefly before in my previous blogs: why we exist on earth.

Of course, this is going to be an endless debate and I'm probably never going to be satisfied with whatever answer is given to me, but I thought to lay down what has occurred to my mind on the subject for the sake of satisfying my hunger to type. (that's another story to be saved for another time)

On to the ideas then. First, about how we came to be.

Darwin.

He is of the opinion that everything in life undergoes a process called 'evolution', where every living being on this planet today, exists because they have survived the 'battle of the fittest'. I happen to disagree completely on his idea of evolution, because I don't think it makes a whit of sense. If indeed we are modern species that come from monkeys, my question is: why would they still exist if the modern ones are supposedly the ones who have survived?

In addition, my brain cannot give in to the idea that somewhere, some point in time, there was a 'big bang' that started the whole life cycle.

A friend of mine once said that this is all a circle, but I said to him: OK, so it's a circle. But if we liken that to drawing a circle on a piece of paper, one first has to press the tip of the pen/pencil on the paper, then draw the circle. The circle, I said, do not simply appear out of thin air from simple wanting or extraordinary desire that magically sprung the circle to life. This is why I believe that there has to be something big out there that started all this. And my tiny and limited capacity of brain could only settle with one answer: that there is a God out there.

The next question, is about why we are here.

Some say God put us here to worship Him, some say that we are all only players in a chess game, some of us born as bishops, kings, others only mere pawns, with God out there playing referee or watch, and some say this is a footie match where the outcome has been decided and all that we do have been arranged before and we only go with what has been foretold.

On that point though, it strikes me how true Darwin's notion on 'survival of the fittest' is.

Everyday, every moment, we battle to survive. For those working in offices, its either a matter of working yourself to death with the load being dumped on you, or quitting, or if you happen to be one of the lucky ones who is employed in a field that suits your interests, you simply enjoy it as it goes. But if we turn the pages carefully, it's a deeper and bigger battle than that. We battle, when we go to the shops, finding the items that we want and debating with ourselves on the importance of that item to our continuous functioning for the rest of the week or to have momentary satisfaction of either possessing that item or simple satisfaction of impulsive cravings. We battle, when we wake up, between hitting the 'snooze' button on our alarm clocks and rising up and shine to greet the day. We battle, when we fight with our friends, between having all our concerns pushed forward and their thoughts pushed back either because we think it's slightly or untrue or happens to be the very thing we don't want and don't need to hear, and being wiser and understanding for our own sake. We battle, when we are born lowly and have to strenuously strive to reach up to the stars. And even if we may think, or like to think that those born with a silver-spoon out their mouth don't battle for a single thing in life, they too battle, with how to deal with all the attention they have and find what it is they want out of life. Because at the end of the day, they will find that money is not enough.

Relating this with the title of this blog: wherever life takes me vs. my take on life, is it true then, that we are only puppets whose strings are in the hands of God? Do we not get a say in what to do or what to have or want? Having seen the battles that we face, and keeping in mind that we are, after all, endowed with brains which has to be of value somewhat, it looks like it's a balanced battle between the two options where none will come out as the winner save for a few occasions where one happens to overtake the other.

I think it's true that we are all given choices in life. That life is what you make of it, that you are what you make of yourself, that everything you see, hear, feel, are direct results of your choices. At the same time however, I also think it's true that where you have tried, and where you have thought over the things that you're battling with at the current time, you see a dead-end and can only act upon the only plausible conclusion you can find. And that, is where there isn't a choice to choose, where you no longer have a part in deciding what you want, where wherever you end up is no longer exploratory. So, wherever life takes me vs. my take on life? I guess we'll have to see.

And this is what I've come to settle with.

Jeremiad

The following is an earlier post of mine in my other blog in myspace, which I am determined to overcome this year! Amen.

Life is about choices. right? or at least, that's how I've always viewed it. Between sinful offerings and daiphanous thinkings, and not to forget impulsive cravings, the Big Guy sure did make the world a difficult place to live in.
am I complaining?
you could say that. or, you can choose a more preferable alternative (to me anyways), and say that I'm being critical and thoughtful.
I, however, will choose neither excuse, silly, pitiful and unjust as they are, and go with the simple truth: I, down to my small and insignificant toes, am lost and am looking in every angle possibly viewed through 360 degrees rotation to justify my present state, which is sad, lazy, and oh, very, very, ugly.
I've got what looks like a large pile of quixotic wantings, unwavering from their limbo since I've deigned to keep myself like this.
yes, I know I shouldn't. yes, I know it's bordering shameless. yes, I don't need to be told that I need to get my huge butt off my bed and rise and shine to greet the day instead of lazying about abed.
but my knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier for me to do just that: getting up.

now, even though I've just described this in a way that I'm sure is visual to you, rest assured what I mean to say is not so much visual than being hypothetic.
I need to get up, as in, get my thoughts composed, emotions controlled, and to quit lollying about like some waddling dolphins in the arctics.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and have arrived at a somewhat palpable conclusion that I simply enjoy being in this state.
I don't mean that I'm thrilled with the fact that I can't graduate in four years as is the normal length of time of studying for law students (undergraduates) in my country, hell no. if anything, the thought positively itches me, and makes me want to wail, pathetic as it may sound.
no, I hate it.
on the other hand however, my life, which, even if I do not yet have it sorted out completely, had, invisible latitude and longitude lines drawn on it, marking the main things I would like to achieve in what probably is going to be a short life.
does it mean I'm sorted out then?
no. because those lines, had, as of a couple of weeks ago, been tarnished by close-to-snide comments, and lucid doubts, upon my goals. so I've gone back many a step, retreated, and question those temporary decisions of mine.

around here then, the subject of this particular blog should be cleared well up. I am, pondering what seems to be imponderables, dwellings on 'mights' and 'probably nots', and am drawing to a close to biting off quite a bit more than I can chew.
"easy does it," people always say.

as you should already gather by now, I've got more than a couple of things to say to that.

Beauty is only skin deep- according to the ugly people?

'Beauty is only skin deep' - everyone is familiar with that phrase. But I remember this character in this movie (I don't remember the bloody title but will get back to this asap) say: "that's just something ugly people say."
and I remember laughing after hearing it.

Does this mean I don't believe in the phrase?
Well, in simple words - my answer would have to be yes.
But, realistically speaking, I would say no.
Confused? So am I.

So OK, lets break this down.

BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP - "What you don't see is hidden under the skin and it may be more important than physical beauty. The proverb has been traced back to 'A Wife' (c.1613) by Thomas Overbury (1581-1613)." From the "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996).

I would say that the above quote, is idealistic. It holds truth, certainly. I believe a typical illustration would be the 'dumb blonde bombshell', or ___________(please insert your preferred phrase), where you have an unbelievably gorgeous specimen of homo sapiens, but a closer look (i.e. once you actually get down to having a conversation- or attempt to have a meager one, to say the least) reveals them to be shallow/stupid/arrogant/lives in cloud 9/etc - or all of those traits altogether.

I've experienced this firsthand, as I'm sure many of us do.

Don't you just hate it when people seem to enamored by this supposed enigma, when you know that the inside is nothing but a rotten egg? But honestly, what can you do? You either choose to suck it up, or wallow in your misery. If you have self-consciousness issues like me, then you too wallow in your misery. Why?
Because even though we'd love nothing else but the truth to come out, though there's nothing more we could want other than what that person is really, really, like on the inside to be seen by people who can see nothing but good because they only portray that side of them to certain people (me, you, people they feel threatened by, competed by, or whatever). Makes me sick.
And, since we're the only ones who know it, what good would saying anything do? Exactly.

I figure to just let it happen, because nobody would believe me anyway. They'd either think I'm making the shit up, or intentionally trying to make that person look bad, and then I'm the one they'd assume to be crap.
So instead of ending up with this notion - I let the bitches slay me alive.

I have a couple of friends who are pretty outspoken and doesn't let anybody bring them down - I've wished countless times that I had their guts. No matter what I seem to achieve, sometimes it's just that difficult for me to stand up for myself.

Back to being ugly.

Seriously and personally speaking, I truly go for 'beauty is only skin deep', because to me its the heart that really matters. Which is why I heartily detest the mass media for brainwashing women into thinking otherwise.
They convolute us into thinking that beauty equals skinny, thin women - and that anything bordering curvy is fat, hideous and ugly. Same goes for height - it's cool to be tall. Sucks to be short.
When the fuck will people realize that it's HEALTH that counts?

Nothing, nothing I say, will ever erase our human nature tendencies of looking to the neighbour's grass, which will always be greener, despite the nourishment and TLC we lay unto our own. It's a moot point.
Caucasians do their best to get tanned skin in the summer- and thrust themselves into tanning boothes in the winter, never mind it makes them look ghastly and off-putting. Asian women, specifically dark skinned ones believe that unless they're white, then they're not beautiful and not worth a glance from men - thanks to Pond's and Clinique and a host of other beauty products which advertise so on TV and every conceivable surface worthy of advertisement.
It's stupid.

I wish I live in a world where idealistic notions are not just that, notions - but forms the concrete foundation of society. Think of how many people would be happier with who they are instead of who they think they should be, what they should have, what they should do.

But then again, I don't live in that world. So realistically speaking - 'beauty is skin deep' will forever more remain to be fanciful notions. When people go for interviews - when people look for gf/bf - when people simply go out for crying out loud - it's the outer physique that gets the impression first and foremost.

New Year! ...aaand my resolutions.

So! Another year has come and gone. Every year I feel that new year comes faster than the last, - I feel like I haven’t had enough yet of 2007, all the things that I wanted to do hasn’t gotten done, and I’m at an anti-climax point, where after the two ‘bangs’ (for want of a better word) I had last year, instead of moving forward with astonishing certainty, I fell back, stumbled mightily along the way, and got stuck. Am still stuck as a matter of fact.

I wrote this on my songbook* yesterday:

Monday 31st December 2007

Today is the last of 2007- and I have resolved to put myself together in 2008. I must get back on my feet. I have to find out the dates for new term registration. I don’t want to be late like last year. (I think we’ve had enough of the nasty administrator dragon lady hmm?) Definitely must make arrangements with my thesis tutor-who I haven’t met in two months now, who probably thinks I’ve given up with my current theme and went with another title since I failed to meet up with him after a month, as was scheduled. *dry cackle*

I need to get those chapters done!!

———————————————————————————————————————————-

and I stopped writing after jotting the last of the exclamation marks down.

Why?

To tell you the truth, I’ve been extremely lazy to write, for over two months now. Yes, I’ve a gazillion of things to do, and yes, I know I’m supposed to get a move on with it, but my brain just seemed to swerve into lazy fogs as of much late, and despite my being aware of the danger I was in for not going to meet the thesis submission deadline, my progress to this day have remained brilliantly stagnant. I hate it.

Which is why, I think, I couldn’t even manage to finish writing that last entry into my songbook.

I did however, manage to write a full entry the day before that (December 30th 2007), where I ranted on (again) about my lazy-self into the pink pages (yes, the book is pink. sue me).

A worthy extract are the following:

…New year is looming in my despondent wake, I just realized that I never made any resolutions last year and this is- no other word for it- BIZARRE- as I always make a point to make a list of my new year’s resolutions. It’s bigger than simple ‘tradition’ for me, because it keeps me on my feet, on track, and keeps me set on those I’ve pinpointed to achieve. But I didn’t make one last year. Perhaps it’s one of the main reasons why my goal to graduate by the end of the year has not been met. Much to my everlasting disappointment and regret. So I’ve decided to make another list this year!

Ok. My New Year’s Resolutions for 2008 are:

1. Graduate, with a minimum GPA of 3.00 (hopefully by end of February, Amen)
2. Be a sparkling awesome coach for this team I’m coaching, that we win every bloody thing there is to win (despite penalties and all that may come to halt our way. Amen!)
3. Get a wonderful, comfortable, job that I can be content with. That means lovely salary, lovely boss, lovely work environment, just lovely lovely. Thank you. Amen.
4. Lose weight! This particular resolution has been a popular one in my past resolutions, that keeps appearing every year, for one reason and one reason only: I have never managed to stay true to it. Fuck.
   So I want to really put myself into it this year, I want to be 45/46kg by June! (I am presently 50kg. yikes.)
5. Have a spot free face, smooth as a baby’s butt, hopefully by end of January (coz this is already in progress)
6. Have that bulletin and profile CD finished! (um, CD by end of January and bulletin published by early March I think.)
7. Write a book! Or at least have the complete plot laid out smoothly-by August.
8. Buy myself a new laptop from own money: which I hope to achieve by the end of the year (December-er, postively assuming I’ve graduated, got that lovely job, and saved affluently). I want a light one that I can carry easily without burden everywhere I go. (I’m using acer right now, it’s the medium sized one, which my brother says isn’t that heavy but I am vertically challenged (read: short) so anything bordering not light is heavy for me. Go figure.
9. Excel in my work!
10. Learnt off Juz’Amma by heart: target is by December.
11. Pay off my fast debts-by April.
12. …*******

—————————————————————————————————————-

So there you have it! My goals for this year. Of course, I’d probably add on to the list if I ever think of anything else I should/need to do. Like finish reading that book on finding the perfect work.

Just so you know, I’ve made an effort to change all those bad habits of mine. (procrastinating,being a lazy bum,stalling till very, very, very late,and etc etc)

Yesterday I surfed the internet for some very worthy findings. And here’s what I got:

How to change your life:

Focus on changing your actions, not your circumstances!
Accept and plan for your weaknesses, instead of toughing it out.
Periodically review your results to fine-tune/re-think your approach if needed.
Life is every moment. It’s now, now, now, and now. Do not make the mistake of putting anything else ‘first’. Work on what you actually want to do.

To stop being it, start seeing it.
Forgive. Accept. Move on! Make it happen.
Achieve BALANCE.
If you’re not the lead dog, the scene never changes!
Don’t sacrifice opportunity for security-Luck is the meeting of preparation and opportunity.

Level the workload, resize the job and reset expectations.

Ask yourself: Do I like what I did this year? Do I want to do more of it next year? Do others think I did well?

There are no problems. Only solutions.
Make appointments with yourself.
Stop hating her with every fiber of my being because anger is bad for my health and happiness and I got everything I ever wanted regardless of her efforts and it’s no tlike I can’t sympathize with why she did/does the things she did/does.

———————————————————————————————————————————-

With all of those in mind, I hope I’ll finally really be able to truly shine- in the purest meaning of the word, lol.

Cheerio for now!

Amaryllis Faye.

*songbook= I write songs and poems, have been since 6th grade, which I’ve started to compile in thick books (looks like one of those diary-journals) since 2000. I’m on my 9th one right now.