Sometimes the Push Weighs Heavy to the Pull

Practicing law isn't easy. Many of course, know this as fact. I myself, had never once challenged its truthfulness. But - it is again one of those things in life that unless you personally experience it, you won't truly understand exactly what it means. Or, for a better explanation - you won't truly get what it entails, involves, and requires.

Since I graduated from law school almost two years ago, I had a vague idea about what particular aspect of law I wanted to practice in - if I ended up practicing at all. There is a caveat at that last sentence there, because as you can see from the contents of this blog, my most cardinal passion is writing. Period.

Writing what, you may ask.

Well, I wish I could tell you that I have a passion for writing popular essays, scientific papers, and other academic-related work which people would more readily respect and give up their hands in applaud. Because they would think that is a more worthy...vocation.

But, that is not my passion.

My passion is in writing romance, fantasy, mystical/mythical stories, poems, lyrics, that reflect human interaction - but not the supposedly more 'intellectual" side as I mentioned earlier. And the reason is because those subjects, make me smile. Make my heart go pitter-patter.

To write about the other seemingly impressive issues - or mundane, in my view, is stressful, painful, and gives me a ton of headache. The world, as I see it, has gone completely effed-up, and to immerse myself in it, gives me no pleasure.

Of course here you can say that I am a selfish person. Selfish because my position seem to characterize myself as being apathetic, and imply that I care for no one but myself.

And clearly, I have no way of convincing you of anything - but I assure you, I actually care a lot.
It is simply that - I also have no care to prove to people that I care, most especially, by me doing anything.

But during the last several years of my life, I have been entrusted with many a situation which forces me to question back my passions in life, and what I really want to do in, and with, my life.
I have been told, and I am very much aware and humbled, that I have been blessed with certain gifts, that it is a waste if I don't use those gifts for "humanity".

The difficulty is, I get that. I really do.

So coming back to my practicing law for a very, very, brief period of time - recently I have been tasked to do more "desk work": corporate stuff.

Which, to my not-so-surprised brain, have left me with an almost rigid certainty that I am not cut out for this type of work.

I much, much, prefer disputes.

Going through drafts after drafts of term-sheets and contracts, is both tedious, laborious, and frustrating. I must have mentioned it at least twenty times by now: I do not think I am cut out to be a corporate lawyer.

And here now, comes the question: why don't I do something else, or just concentrate on disputes?

The obvious answer is: lawyers cannot always choose their work.

Especially, when you are just starting out at the bottom of the pyramid, like me.
You get assigned a certain task, you are told what to do if you are lucky (and often the case is that you are not told), and you are expected to do it well.

In fact, even when you become a partner, you cannot always choose your work, because of the economy situation and interests and impacts which may come back to haunt you in the future. Because sadly for disputes (if you choose to be strict in what you choose, i.e. you want to do disputes and nothing else), they can or cannot be there! It all depends on how the parties choose to behave. If they get along and all are happy lovey-dovey, then it is bye-bye work and money. If not, then "all hail the evilness" and you then go dive in to, essentially, save the day.

And every single day I continually ask myself: am I doing the right thing? Am I at the right place? Or am I wasting time?

This will be the first time I mention it, but I am currently twenty-three, soon-to-be twenty-four in a couple of months.

I know no one knows how long they are going to live, but I happen to believe that its precisely because you don't know, that you need to make sure you get the most out of it, by doing what you love, what you enjoy most, and fuck all other people's expectations.

So I am definitely swimming in murky waters as of the moment, which I pray will clear up soon (read: which I pray I will be able to clear up soon).