Keeping Cool

What I am about to write is not a new topic - I think I may have posted at least twice already on the subject. But, I'm in an emotional upheaval right now, I need a place to vent, and I just basically really need to get this out of my system.

And hence this blogpost.

So what have I got to say today? Actually I already did mention the word in the first paragraph there - I have something to say about being 'emotional'.

In my previous posts, I think I mentioned that I really do not care what other people think of me, that they have free license to say whatever the hell they want to say about me, that really, what their mind is concocting about my character slash personality is no business of mine in any way.

If you ask me today whether I still feel that way, the answer is affirmative, yes, I really could not care less about what they or you have to say about me.

But, and here comes the 'bomb' - I'd like to add an extension to that statement, or rather, a clarifying clause to it.

I do not care what other people think of me, except those I call my friends (and by 'friend' I mean close friends or they who are in my inner circle), and those I am supposed to call family because of my birth. For these two categories of 'people', today I find myself in the situation that apparently, yes, I do still care.

I think that primarily, this is because that you would expect those two categories of people would be the ones who's got your back, who keep you up, and who lighten up your spirit instead of crushing them. Into dust. Or worse, nothingness. You can act so separatist from the world, but when it comes to your inner nucleus, it's hard to say that they do not matter. It's hard to disengage and detach yourself from caring. Because they make up who you are. Your life, whether or not you recognize it, revolves around them. And in the case of family, it's worse because you live with them. Well, obviously my last sentence there applies only to those of you who still live with members of your family, like me.

I won't be touching on the friends category today, because my problem at the moment is with the family.

Like my mom for instance. She has this...attitude (for want of a better word, I choose 'attitude'. Originally I wrote 'habit' but I don't think it would be the correct term) of always feeling like she has to put her two-cents in after every single time my father (notice I do not use the word 'dad') says something. A lecture, an angry statement, a scolding, a snappy complaint, whatever - my mom will be there to figuratively and literally, nod her head down and not only that, but give her assent too. I can't recall a time where she would defend me in front of him in front of my face. I can't recall a time where even if she would not defend me, she would at least say something to the contrary. Or better yet, just stay silent and be neutral.

That is one problem I have with her.

My second problem, which corroborates the first one, is how she would say one thing in front of me, then in front of my father - say the complete opposite. It's like she has to appear like she agrees with him on everything.

WHY???

I think I would not have such a problem with it if she maintained her position. You know, be constant. But no. She would appear to be understanding when I confide in her about something, then in front of my father, she too would confront me.

If she had from the start just told me what was really in her head, I would not find this as upsetting as this makes me.

And it just irks me so much, how after she does that, she can act like she didn't do anything wrong.

So I would really like to have the ability to numb oneself down. Like a block of ice. In the Antarctic. Unless there's a more permanent ice than that that you know of, then I'll take that one.

I am most upset, especially because right now, this time, presently, I am in need of her support. I do not need her berating me. I do not need her expressing her negativity. And most especially not, after she had portrayed some sort of positivity. Doing this, just completely shirked the carpet right off my feet. And I feel worse than drowned.

And you know, maybe I am too emotional about this. Maybe because I'm a girl. Great, so now I'm making it a gender thing. Which it isn't. But the point is, it seems like I can't completely detach myself from feeling.

So what, you may ask.

Well it's a shitty problem for me, because once I get like this, I don't feel like doing anything - period. Much less doing anything much. I lose all spirit. I lose motivation. I return to the child evidently still within me, sulking, and wish for nothing else but act so immaturely. My behavior becomes this: "OK, so that's what you think of me? Fine, then I'll be like what you think of me."

And so you can't tell me, after reading that, that I need to wake up. I am up. I've seen the glaring sunshine and rotting dirt - and I've just been dunked in quicksand. Right now, all I feel like doing is zilch.

I suppose I should grow thicker skin and brace myself up for the pain - get myself used to the beating. I know you are not getting that impression from me right now, but honestly speaking, I have. It's not the first time that this has happened. In fact, I've lost count. But I guess, every time it happens, I still somehow cannot erase that little spark of hope inside me that she would change. And I'm getting really tired, of keeping up my expectations.

A Kid's Perspective

Kids have a way of making you feel silly for missing the finer points in life. My too smart baby sister reminds me often enough of that, as she did again this evening:

"I can't believe I'm twenty-four years old already," I sighed miserably into the mirror.

"I can't believe your butt is big," my sixth-grader sister comments in response.

Life sucks.

Perceptions

Both siblings stared at the nugget left on the plate they had been sharing breakfast. The elder knew she was not going to eat it. Her stomach felt full already. They had been set on fixing themselves with junk food: french fries, nuggets and coke for breakfast. Neither cared about gaining weight though.

"You're not going to finish that are you?" Her brother asked, smirking.

"Huh?" She asked, slightly disoriented, her lips licking on the barbeque sauce on her fingertips. "Um, no. I'm too full already," she answered, sighing.

"That's not the reason," her brother rolled his eyes. "You never finish the food."

Her brows scrunched up in protest. "What do you mean I never finish the food? I'm just full, dude."

"No," he contradicted again, "You never finish the last piece on the plate. Not when you're sharing with one of us. You always stop."

She did not know how to respond to that.

--
*a conversation with one of my brothers on Sunday morning.

Just the Way You Are Perfectly Imperfect

"Sorry, but this is the best I could do," Jake said wryly, holding a cup of punch on each hand. Allyson smiled her tenth smile at him. He'd counted. "Are you cold?"

"No," Al replied as she received the cup from him.

"You are," he said. He put down his cup and shrugged out of his coat.

"There's no need—" Al started to reply.

"Take it," Jake insisted. He took her hand, placed the coat, and walked away to the other side of the terrace. "Look, I'm going to stay right here," he said in a playful tone as he leaned on a pillar. "I won't bite."

"It's a beautiful night," Allyson said, studying him from twenty feet away. It had been ages since she'd last seen Christopher. When Jake returned to their table for a second time, it didn't take long for Chris to figure things out and he had jokingly reprimanded her for making him feel unwanted. How could you let my sister cajole me into going with you when you really intended to dump the prince for the frog?

She didn't know how long she had danced with Jake, didn't even think she'd listened to anything but the steady beating of his heart. If Lou could see her now, she'd be bursting with laughter. Lou had told her not to avoid Jake. But dancing? Now that was way more than expected. But for tonight, Al didn't care.

"Sam's been looking for you," he said in a deep voice.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Thought someone had kidnapped you to keep you away from us," he replied in an amused voice. "She misses you." I miss you.

"I miss her, too," Allyson replied sincerely.

Do you miss me, Beauty?

"Suddenly, she wants a big motorcycle so she could go around town and see everyone else," he said with a smile. "I don't want to disappoint her."

"You couldn't," Al replied without thinking.

He was immensely pleased with her remark but knew that it was far from the truth. "Oh, I have. Many times." He stayed silent for awhile then broke it with a loaded statement. "Just like I've disappointed you. Many times."

"Jake—"

"I like it when you say my name. Do you know that?" he paused, seeing her color with his remark. "And when you blush like that and I could see it from twenty feet? Very appealing."

"Are you teasing me?" Allyson asked laughingly.

He straightened from his leaning position and started walking around the terrace. It was a long time before either of them spoke. "When you walked out of the theater that day, I thought you'd never talk to me again. I was so happy because I'd finally made my peace with my father but it was hard seeing you leave without word." He smiled sadly, and looked like he was reliving the memory. "He was a good father, Al, before…before she left us. Now he's trying. And doing good, I might add. But sometimes, I'm still scared," he said hoarsely. "still scared."

He stopped and leaned lightly on a pillar, seemingly trying to control himself. When he looked up, his eyes were mysteriously shiny. "I'm sorry, Ally."

"Jake," she finally spoke, desperate to keep the light-hearted they'd had all evening. "We've already done this. I've forgiven you. It's over."

"No!" he snapped out, now clutching at the railings. "I hurt you so much. No matter how many times I want to forget about it, I couldn't erase that image of you looking so terribly hurt. I ignored you and treated you horribly. That day," he stopped with a catch in his voice. "That day I was so crazed trying to avoid you that something in me just snapped. I thought she was you. You have to believe me, Allie. I know I ignored you on purpose, I pushed you away. But I would never go that far. I wouldn't do that to you. You have to believe me," he said, almost pleading. "I pushed you away because I knew it would hurt you if you stayed with me. I thought I was protecting you. But I ended up hurting you anyway. Now that I think about it, I think I did it for selfish reasons. I was…afraid that you'd see me for who I was. Trouble with a capital T."

She should have stayed where she was, but she found herself walking towards him, needing to comfort him. "Don't do this to yourself," she whispered achingly, her hands caressing his arm lightly.

Her touch was bittersweet, lulling him temporarily to hopeless illusions. Then he covered her hands with his and slowly turned towards her, almost ready to take the plunge. He watched the expressions dancing across her face. Surprise, anxiety, anticipation. Forgiveness. "How could I have hurt you" he asked tenderly, as he brushed his knuckles brightly over her cheeks, his heart raring to make the final leap, "when I love you so much?"

He silenced any response from her as he covered her lips with his. He felt her go rigid in his arms and knew she was trying to fight him with indifference. He moved his mouth over hers but she remained impassive. Lifting his head to look at her startled emerald eyes, he begged her with his eyes. Please. He kissed her with aching tenderness, pleaded with her to return the kiss. And when she finally gave in to the kiss, he lost all control as he tightened his arms around her, cupping her head to draw her even closer to him. He was like a soldier who had gone on days without water. He couldn't seem to get enough of her. She was sweet and so perfect in his arms.

At the back of her mind, Allyson knew it was wrong. But she could resist him no longer. Not when he was kissing her with such need, as if he couldn't go on without her. So she felt herself giving back, asking him to take what he would, her heart treacherously going against her mind. Suddenly, his words rushed over her and they chilled her like ice. How could I have hurt you…when I love you so much? She broke away abruptly from the kiss, a pounding headache threatening to overwhelm her.

"No," she whispered hoarsely.

"Yes!" he insisted, desperate to keep her in his arms. He was about to bend down for another kiss when she pushed him away hard.

"How could you do this?" she asked, begged in a confused tone. "I can't believe this," she said in disbelief, as she turned away from him. Finding her purse at the nearby chair, she left the terrace without another word, desperate to get as far away from him as possible.

He didn't go after her, knowing it would be fruitless. He had one shot. And he had missed. He sat on the step, stared blankly ahead, and felt like crying.

***

credits to: dream6-20 at http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2028013/24/Just_the_Way_You_Are_Perfectly_Imperfect

Once Upon A Time, There Was The Perfect Man

He paused. “I am not in the habit, Daphne, of wearing my heart on my sleeve, if you’ll pardon me. If the reasons I have given for wanting you have not rung true, as you say, that’s probably because what I feel for you scares the hell out of me.”

She did her best to absorb his words in wonder. “You, scared?” she murmured, still in doubt. He never seemed afraid of anything.

He nodded slowly. “I’ve been trying to give myself sane, logical reasons for this...obsession you’ve cast over me. Trying to tell myself it’s just a simple, practical match, for the sake of producing heirs. Nothing to be alarmed about. But that’s not the truth of how I feel.”

“How do you feel, Max?” she prompted in a soft tone.

For a long moment, he considered, as though peering gingerly into himself. “Lost. Daphne...this is not an easy feeling for a man who always knows exactly where he’s going.”

She felt tears beginning to sting the backs of her eyelids. She wanted to take him into her arms. He was such an expert at so many things, and so hopeless when it came to affairs of the heart. Clearly, he needed her.

“I’ve never experienced anything like this, and I’ve experienced a lot of things, believe me. But never this. Never...anything like you. You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thought in my head before I fall asleep. Don’t misunderstand me, the lost feeling isn’t all misery,” he amended. “There is also, when I’m with you, a wonderful joy. If I fought for you too hard, Daphne, it’s only because I didn’t want to lose this, or lose you. I’ve never had this before, you see. You’ve opened up new doors in me that...Oh, God, I sound absolutely ridiculous.” He shut his eyes and turned away. “Would you just shoot me now and be done with it, please?”

“I don’t want to shoot you.” The tears she had been fighting now rose to blur her vision. “And I don’t think you sound ridiculous at all.” She sat down weakly on a nearby hay bale since her legs felt too shaky to hold her up much longer.

“Well.” Max opened his eyes and stood with his hands propped on his waist, his head down. “For some reason,” he said in a low and heavy tone, “I thought you were feeling the same way. But then last night, you told me we were through. I did not understand. I still don’t.” His shoulders lifted in a weary shrug. “I don’t know what else to do or say to win you. I’ve tried everything I know, and obviously, nothing’s worked. Last night, when I saw I was really losing you, I guess I lost control.”

“Well, Max, yes, but I saw how Albert kept trying to provoke you,” she offered cautiously. “We both know you could have done a great deal worse to all three of the Carew brothers, if you had wanted to.”

He shrugged, avoiding her gaze. “I promised you once that I’d never permit any man to insult you in my presence, which he did. All the same, I should have dealt with him later, not in front of you. Eh, enough of all this,” he declared, as though waving off the dangerous emotions that filled the air between them. “I am not making excuses. You were right to be rid of me, and that’s the end of it. I just wanted to say, mainly, that I am sorry for all the different ways I’ve tried...to pressure you into doing what I want. What matters is what you want.”

He took a deep breath and forged on bravely. “Whatever you decide for me, I will accept. If you just want a friend, that is what I’ll be. If you never want to speak to me again, I’ll stay away. If all you want is an attack dog to deal with any fool who might ever bother you, just let me know. I will respect your wishes no matter what you choose. Your happiness, Miss Starling, is my only remaining concern.”

***Full credits to Gaelen Foley in "My Wicked Marquess".

His Life

"You don't get it do you?!" He screamed in her face, hating the way her anguish was so clearly etched for him to see. He hated seeing her in pain. And he hated even more knowing that he was causing it. But he was at his wit's end - she was driving him insane, as she had been doing for years.

"Get what, Alex?" She whispered hoarsely, her throat parched from having run after him so far.

Alex let out a howl of frustration. "Just leave me alone, Kayleigh, OK?"

"No! I won't! This has to stop, Alex! What the hell is wrong with you?"

He laughed maniacally. What was wrong with him? Was she kidding? He shook his head, trying to clear the pain in his chest and moved to pick up his bag from the ground.

"Just go, Kayleigh," he said bitterly. Hoisting his bag back on his shoulders, he turned his back to her and walked away without another word.

What the hell? Kayleigh felt like tearing her hair out.

"Alex!" She called harshly.

He ignored her, and walked even faster.

"ALEX! Come back and tell me what the fuck is going on! ALEX!" She shouted, mindless of the late hour. Her best friend since four was going - to God knows where - without giving her so much as an explanation. Her best friend, who had been acting like a jerk for the past few months. Her best friend, who she was secretly in love with. Damn him if she was going to let him get away with this.

Taking several gulps of deep breaths to calm herself, she kicked off into a run and went straight for his back. She tackled him into the ground, felling them both, her on top of him.

"Ow! What the fuck? Kayleigh!" He groaned, trying to get her off of him. But all he managed was to shift position so that he now lay on his back. He glared murderously at the stubborn girl who was keeping him from getting up. What was her game now?

But Kayleigh always gave as good as she gets. She glared right back at him.

Alex could only hold her gaze, captivated as always by her baby-blues. Then, it seemed she couldn't hold it in anymore - the dam broke.

Goddammit. She was crying on him! Damn her for resorting to this - she knew he could never handle her tears.

Alex shut his eyes tight, trying to block the sight of her face all crumpled. God help him, he still found her beautiful. As if on their own accord, his arms went around her protectively and pushed her face to his chest.

She cried harder.

He looked up to the black sky in despair, cursing himself for cowering to his weakness. Tightening his arms around her, he pressed a soft kiss to her temple. "Kayleigh?" He whispered.

She pressed her face even more to his chest, uncaring that she's getting his shirt all wet. She couldn't seem to stop crying.

"Kayleigh?" He whispered again, kissing her forehead. "Come on Kay," he coaxed softly, gently petting her hair.

She gasped uncontrollably at his touch, trying to steady her breathing. She shifted slightly, then buried her face in his neck, and started to cry all over again.

Alex's heart constricted at the sounds. "Kay, come on now," he whispered.

He felt her arms gripping him tightly, as if afraid he will disappear if she didn't.

Then, feeling a butterfly-soft touch on his neck, he stilled. Did she just...?

"Don't leave me, Alex," he heard her cry hoarsely, pressing more soft kisses on his neck, as if to convince him with the gesture.

He didn't reply, only hugging her tighter to him. God, how he loved her.

*photo by: ~onephotonerd

***random writing again, on a rainy Sunday afternoon - while I'm supposed to be working.
This one is definitely full of angst.

The Darkest of All

The black night was missing stars to spark the sky. No lamp posts to light his way, only the bare glimmer of the moon which was marred by the presence of smoky clouds. And it has been like this as of late. But he was immune to the seeming lack of life in his surroundings. He could feel nothing.

Alex continued to drag his feet along the stone pavements, leaning slightly on his cane as the burden of his knee kept him from walking any faster. The tight compress on his chest still constricting his insides, as it had ever since she left. He tasted poison with every breath, and breathed acid with every intake of air to his lungs. Gripping his cane harshly, he shut his eyes tight - fighting to keep away the tears he knew would fall.

He shouldn't have let her go.

*** Another random writing straight off of my head.

The Most Wonderful

Ally woke up to the quiet sound of Trent saying her name. She opened her eyes to find him looking down at her, silhouetted by the sunlight pouring into the room.

"Morning, beautiful," he said, kissing her forehead softly.

"What time is it?"

"8:30."

Ally groaned and squeezed her eyes closed. "Why'd you wake me up?"

"Because," he began, grabbing her arms and pulling her up. "I want to show you something."

"Can't it wait?"

"Nope."

Ally let out a whimper and slid out of bed, wrapping a blanket tightly around herself. She looked up at Trent to find him standing right in front of her. With a smile, he put a hand over her eyes.

"I couldn't let you miss this," Trent whispered into her ear, slowly walking her across the room.

Ally tensed up as they stepped outside and the cold air kissed her bare shoulders. The wood beneath her bare feet was also cold, leading her to believe that they were on a dock or balcony of some sort.

"You're going to love this," Trent said, stopping her. He put an arm around her and held her tightly against him. "Ready?" But he didn't wait for her to answer; he just pulled his hand away from her eyes.

Ally's breath stilled in her lungs when she saw the gorgeous sight in front of her. It was a gorgeous lake – the color of aquamarine – that was surrounded by pine trees and snowy mountains. "Wow," Ally breathed. "It's... beautiful."

Trent rested his chin on her shoulder and stared out at the lake with her. "We came here a lot when I was a kid."

"Where are we?"

"Lake Tahoe."

"Is this the house he left you?"

"Uh huh."

"It's so beautiful here."

"I know. It's strangely addicting too."

Ally kissed him on the cheek. "I wouldn't mind coming back."

"If that's what you want then that's what we'll do."

"I love that you do what I say," Ally giggled quietly.

"I aim to please."

full credits to Vanderhall in "The Sophomore Season"

The In Crowd

I just found out that John Hampson of Nine Days - who to this day remains one of my favourite vocalists and song writer, has a solo project of his own. Am currently digging his song "The In Crowd", the lyrics of which I post below:

Spin away the combination for the last time
Say goodbye to this year
Wish I had a way to avoid the empty summer that awaits me
They'll drink and make a toast
Celebrating their new freedom
I'll sit alone on the couch
Coming undone

My girlfriends a remote control cause I
Can turn her on for hours at a time
and I don't think I've ever known a life
That i was part of the in crowd

Turn around another day another disgrace
Fall flat on my face
I wish I had a freakin license
Get a car and head out west
They'll smoke and burn it down
Rocking out with their new freedom
I'll sit alone on the couch
Coming undone

My girlfriends a remote control cause I
I have become emotionally paralyzed
And I don't think I've ever known a life
That I was part of the in crowd

Doesn't anyone hear the sound of my voice?
I'm talking so loud so noone has a choice
If I keep you near I'm such a satellite boy
And I'll disappear into a blue light void

Spin away the combination for the last time
Say goodbye to last year
Wish I had a way to avoid the empty summer that awaits me
They'll drink and make a toast
Celebrating new freedoms
I'll sit alone on the couch
Watching TV

My best friend has a perfect life and I
Live vicariously through the magic eye
And I know that I've never known a life
Where everyones got perfect teeth and hair
Selling everything from sex to underwear
I wonder what its like to have it all
To be a part of the in crowd

In My Darkest

I do not see. I do not hear. I do not feel. For all senses is lost to me and all
and any that passes just passes by, unnoticed and it matters not.