It's Not Washing Out

"Why, Flynn? Why can't we move on past this stupid wall between us? I miss you. I miss us. Don't you miss us, Flynn? And you're breaking my heart, when you promised me you wouldn't Flynn! Why!" Lily cried out as she angrily swiped at her tears with her sleeve.

Flynn shut his eyes tight at the sight of her tears, trying to hold back his own that threatened to fall. He felt like splinters were razoring his insides, cutting deep. It was a while before he managed to speak, his throat having gone desert-dry. "Some things just don't wash out, Lily. That includes heartbreak," Flynn said brokenly, "So don't you hold me to that. You failed to keep mine."

***

I think I'm going to call this one "Castles". This was inspired by "So in love" by The Icarus Account - an insanely talented band. Love. Love.

Fragile

This heart is fragile and weak and it quavers with

every little break you crack into it with

every doubt and every question

why are you questioning

why are you doubting me.

This heart is flooded full over the brim with

rivers of ache and pain and tears that glitters

if I swallow I will taste bitter and salt

there is no doubt of it

there is no questioning it.

Breathe

so they tell me to do for a while now

but I've been having a hard time to just

breathe

I keep choking and spluttering

every word comes out a staggering stutter

and I

can't even manage one sentence

don't press me for a paragraph

no language would express fully

what this feels like

to me

and I

desperately need to just breathe.

This heart is fragile like antique china

that's been duct-taped all over with the strongest of bands

to keep it all together and not fall

apart,

but it's falling apart

and I'm falling apart

because I'm fragile.

Bitching

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. But now that the flood gate has burst, he didn't know how to stop it, or retracted it back in. He supposed hindsight is always twenty-twenty, but being reminded of that in the middle of this...breakdown was not something he needed right now. Everywhere he searched in vain though, the exits they were not.

Sometimes, he thought he could be a real idiot. And other times, he could be real smart, because he was real lucky. He wouldn't kid himself or anyone that he was a genuinely awesomely clever guy. So why couldn't now be one of those times that he was lucky? Did life always choose whether to hand you apples or oranges? Is it only the blessed few that had the ability to pick? If yes, did that mean he wasn't one of the blessed few? And if another yes, why the fuck was it that he wasn't included in the list of the blessed few? Is this fair?

He knew he could keep on bitching like this for another hour. And another hour. And another, until maybe, it had been a day or a week, and he was spent. Yet that didn't seem to be too good of a prospect. The thought of agonizing over something he knew is useless didn't look appetizing. He had known of this always, and so though the thought now does not in any way come as a surprise, it served as some sort of welcome. Whether a pleasant or an unwanted one, he isn't really able to say.

For now.

---------
*** random doodles. While waiting to be picked up.

Don't Look At Me, I Didn't Do It

She couldn't figure out why the nagging feeling in the bottom of her stomach won't go away. Something seemed missing. Like there was a big gaping hole somewhere. It'd be great if only she could find out what it is exactly that is bugging her. Ransacking the brain, as she has now come to realize, doesn't really do much if the thing one was looking for simply refused to be found - as if insistent on playing hide-and-seek with the seeker who does not want to sought the hiding because of the want that the hiding would just simply come out in the open. It would, you know - making things sure a hell of a damn lot easier. Wow that's two curse words there. But what the heck.

One thing she knows for sure: somebody stole something from her. Something valuable. Something important. Something priceless. Something...she definitely wants, and in case it's not already clear to you guys, something she definitely needs.

All I gotta tell you is, don't look at me. I didn't do it.

***
Weird, random mutterings in the middle of my work break. So sue me.

About Life

Some people have a pretty bended view of life.
I talk not of life as in the ordinary definition which is the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual.

But life - in the sense of what truly matters, which would make one happy, content and well-rested.
In the sense of - finding that heaven on earth. As in, you are my life.

Because face it, you only get to live once, right? What's the point if you don't get to feel like you're in paradise when you're here. Once your breath stops - that is it.

I know that many put different values and marks on all the components that makes life what it is.
I know that I've been cursed by many for choosing my path.
I know that many call me stupid, idiotic, foolish, dumb, and just down-right...meaningless.

And I have been called many things. A bitch. Heartless. Evil. Weirdo. Fucked-up. Black-hearted. All sorts of things.

I have been back-stabbed, one too many times.
I have been heartbroken - by those I loved and friends, and those I had thought and considered to be very good friends of mine. And cried my heart out for the treachery.

In fact, I have recently been brokenhearted once more.

Each and every one of those beautiful mistakes, have made me who I am.

So if they think that they matter to me - they are sorely, deeply, and greatly mistaken.

They may have my attention, but they have not my care. And call me what you like - I don't give out second chances. Once you're out - there is no way in hell you're getting back in.

And I get back to my first point about life. It's too short for you to waste thinking, pondering, considering about things that don't even care about you. That don't even consider how you would feel. How you would see things. How would you approach a certain issue, or non-issue, as it appears to be.

Dedicate your life only to those who has your back - when you're one step from dying.
And to those, who would take the knife for you.

So people, people can curse me all they want. Call me whatever you want. Treat me however you wish to. You have free will. And you are free to think and feel.

But, so am I.

Now the question is, do I have a bended view of life?

I like to think that I'm pretty simple to figure out. I really don't ask for much. A little honesty, even when I know I don't want to hear it. But most importantly, loyalty.

I place not all the gold and pearls in the world on coca-cola-like wealth. One that tastes so good as it passes down your throat, but kills your limbs slowly on the inside.
I place not all the love in the world on insipid objects that many think are worth so much - because they will not make me happy in the end.

And it truly saddens me to know, that there are those who do not get it.

But that is life.

His Life

"You don't get it do you?!" He screamed in her face, hating the way her anguish was so clearly etched for him to see. He hated seeing her in pain. And he hated even more knowing that he was causing it. But he was at his wit's end - she was driving him insane, as she had been doing for years.

"Get what, Alex?" She whispered hoarsely, her throat parched from having run after him so far.

Alex let out a howl of frustration. "Just leave me alone, Kayleigh, OK?"

"No! I won't! This has to stop, Alex! What the hell is wrong with you?"

He laughed maniacally. What was wrong with him? Was she kidding? He shook his head, trying to clear the pain in his chest and moved to pick up his bag from the ground.

"Just go, Kayleigh," he said bitterly. Hoisting his bag back on his shoulders, he turned his back to her and walked away without another word.

What the hell? Kayleigh felt like tearing her hair out.

"Alex!" She called harshly.

He ignored her, and walked even faster.

"ALEX! Come back and tell me what the fuck is going on! ALEX!" She shouted, mindless of the late hour. Her best friend since four was going - to God knows where - without giving her so much as an explanation. Her best friend, who had been acting like a jerk for the past few months. Her best friend, who she was secretly in love with. Damn him if she was going to let him get away with this.

Taking several gulps of deep breaths to calm herself, she kicked off into a run and went straight for his back. She tackled him into the ground, felling them both, her on top of him.

"Ow! What the fuck? Kayleigh!" He groaned, trying to get her off of him. But all he managed was to shift position so that he now lay on his back. He glared murderously at the stubborn girl who was keeping him from getting up. What was her game now?

But Kayleigh always gave as good as she gets. She glared right back at him.

Alex could only hold her gaze, captivated as always by her baby-blues. Then, it seemed she couldn't hold it in anymore - the dam broke.

Goddammit. She was crying on him! Damn her for resorting to this - she knew he could never handle her tears.

Alex shut his eyes tight, trying to block the sight of her face all crumpled. God help him, he still found her beautiful. As if on their own accord, his arms went around her protectively and pushed her face to his chest.

She cried harder.

He looked up to the black sky in despair, cursing himself for cowering to his weakness. Tightening his arms around her, he pressed a soft kiss to her temple. "Kayleigh?" He whispered.

She pressed her face even more to his chest, uncaring that she's getting his shirt all wet. She couldn't seem to stop crying.

"Kayleigh?" He whispered again, kissing her forehead. "Come on Kay," he coaxed softly, gently petting her hair.

She gasped uncontrollably at his touch, trying to steady her breathing. She shifted slightly, then buried her face in his neck, and started to cry all over again.

Alex's heart constricted at the sounds. "Kay, come on now," he whispered.

He felt her arms gripping him tightly, as if afraid he will disappear if she didn't.

Then, feeling a butterfly-soft touch on his neck, he stilled. Did she just...?

"Don't leave me, Alex," he heard her cry hoarsely, pressing more soft kisses on his neck, as if to convince him with the gesture.

He didn't reply, only hugging her tighter to him. God, how he loved her.

*photo by: ~onephotonerd

***random writing again, on a rainy Sunday afternoon - while I'm supposed to be working.
This one is definitely full of angst.

The Darkest of All

The black night was missing stars to spark the sky. No lamp posts to light his way, only the bare glimmer of the moon which was marred by the presence of smoky clouds. And it has been like this as of late. But he was immune to the seeming lack of life in his surroundings. He could feel nothing.

Alex continued to drag his feet along the stone pavements, leaning slightly on his cane as the burden of his knee kept him from walking any faster. The tight compress on his chest still constricting his insides, as it had ever since she left. He tasted poison with every breath, and breathed acid with every intake of air to his lungs. Gripping his cane harshly, he shut his eyes tight - fighting to keep away the tears he knew would fall.

He shouldn't have let her go.

*** Another random writing straight off of my head.

Put your head on my shoulder - I can carry you

Her heart felt like it had run an olympic marathon. It always does - whenever he's around. Never the steady beating as is normal, his presence always ensured to make it so. But she didn't care if he knew. He probably already did. And she didn't care that it made her unstable. This is one of those small matters she'd gladly bear. But what she couldn't take is the way they now stood, and the way he refuses to look at her.

How did it ever come to this? She desperately wanted to know.

Not knowing whether she will regret what she is about to do, but figuring she didn't have anything to lose - she took that last step and stood right before him.

Slowly, carefully, she placed her palms on his cheeks and forced him to look into her eyes. Letting him see the truth. Finally.

by: *sil-enigma

***A little vignette, a continuation of the last time I posted something random like this. Didn't turn out too bad I think, but definitely needs work.