Keeping Cool

What I am about to write is not a new topic - I think I may have posted at least twice already on the subject. But, I'm in an emotional upheaval right now, I need a place to vent, and I just basically really need to get this out of my system.

And hence this blogpost.

So what have I got to say today? Actually I already did mention the word in the first paragraph there - I have something to say about being 'emotional'.

In my previous posts, I think I mentioned that I really do not care what other people think of me, that they have free license to say whatever the hell they want to say about me, that really, what their mind is concocting about my character slash personality is no business of mine in any way.

If you ask me today whether I still feel that way, the answer is affirmative, yes, I really could not care less about what they or you have to say about me.

But, and here comes the 'bomb' - I'd like to add an extension to that statement, or rather, a clarifying clause to it.

I do not care what other people think of me, except those I call my friends (and by 'friend' I mean close friends or they who are in my inner circle), and those I am supposed to call family because of my birth. For these two categories of 'people', today I find myself in the situation that apparently, yes, I do still care.

I think that primarily, this is because that you would expect those two categories of people would be the ones who's got your back, who keep you up, and who lighten up your spirit instead of crushing them. Into dust. Or worse, nothingness. You can act so separatist from the world, but when it comes to your inner nucleus, it's hard to say that they do not matter. It's hard to disengage and detach yourself from caring. Because they make up who you are. Your life, whether or not you recognize it, revolves around them. And in the case of family, it's worse because you live with them. Well, obviously my last sentence there applies only to those of you who still live with members of your family, like me.

I won't be touching on the friends category today, because my problem at the moment is with the family.

Like my mom for instance. She has this...attitude (for want of a better word, I choose 'attitude'. Originally I wrote 'habit' but I don't think it would be the correct term) of always feeling like she has to put her two-cents in after every single time my father (notice I do not use the word 'dad') says something. A lecture, an angry statement, a scolding, a snappy complaint, whatever - my mom will be there to figuratively and literally, nod her head down and not only that, but give her assent too. I can't recall a time where she would defend me in front of him in front of my face. I can't recall a time where even if she would not defend me, she would at least say something to the contrary. Or better yet, just stay silent and be neutral.

That is one problem I have with her.

My second problem, which corroborates the first one, is how she would say one thing in front of me, then in front of my father - say the complete opposite. It's like she has to appear like she agrees with him on everything.

WHY???

I think I would not have such a problem with it if she maintained her position. You know, be constant. But no. She would appear to be understanding when I confide in her about something, then in front of my father, she too would confront me.

If she had from the start just told me what was really in her head, I would not find this as upsetting as this makes me.

And it just irks me so much, how after she does that, she can act like she didn't do anything wrong.

So I would really like to have the ability to numb oneself down. Like a block of ice. In the Antarctic. Unless there's a more permanent ice than that that you know of, then I'll take that one.

I am most upset, especially because right now, this time, presently, I am in need of her support. I do not need her berating me. I do not need her expressing her negativity. And most especially not, after she had portrayed some sort of positivity. Doing this, just completely shirked the carpet right off my feet. And I feel worse than drowned.

And you know, maybe I am too emotional about this. Maybe because I'm a girl. Great, so now I'm making it a gender thing. Which it isn't. But the point is, it seems like I can't completely detach myself from feeling.

So what, you may ask.

Well it's a shitty problem for me, because once I get like this, I don't feel like doing anything - period. Much less doing anything much. I lose all spirit. I lose motivation. I return to the child evidently still within me, sulking, and wish for nothing else but act so immaturely. My behavior becomes this: "OK, so that's what you think of me? Fine, then I'll be like what you think of me."

And so you can't tell me, after reading that, that I need to wake up. I am up. I've seen the glaring sunshine and rotting dirt - and I've just been dunked in quicksand. Right now, all I feel like doing is zilch.

I suppose I should grow thicker skin and brace myself up for the pain - get myself used to the beating. I know you are not getting that impression from me right now, but honestly speaking, I have. It's not the first time that this has happened. In fact, I've lost count. But I guess, every time it happens, I still somehow cannot erase that little spark of hope inside me that she would change. And I'm getting really tired, of keeping up my expectations.

His Life

"You don't get it do you?!" He screamed in her face, hating the way her anguish was so clearly etched for him to see. He hated seeing her in pain. And he hated even more knowing that he was causing it. But he was at his wit's end - she was driving him insane, as she had been doing for years.

"Get what, Alex?" She whispered hoarsely, her throat parched from having run after him so far.

Alex let out a howl of frustration. "Just leave me alone, Kayleigh, OK?"

"No! I won't! This has to stop, Alex! What the hell is wrong with you?"

He laughed maniacally. What was wrong with him? Was she kidding? He shook his head, trying to clear the pain in his chest and moved to pick up his bag from the ground.

"Just go, Kayleigh," he said bitterly. Hoisting his bag back on his shoulders, he turned his back to her and walked away without another word.

What the hell? Kayleigh felt like tearing her hair out.

"Alex!" She called harshly.

He ignored her, and walked even faster.

"ALEX! Come back and tell me what the fuck is going on! ALEX!" She shouted, mindless of the late hour. Her best friend since four was going - to God knows where - without giving her so much as an explanation. Her best friend, who had been acting like a jerk for the past few months. Her best friend, who she was secretly in love with. Damn him if she was going to let him get away with this.

Taking several gulps of deep breaths to calm herself, she kicked off into a run and went straight for his back. She tackled him into the ground, felling them both, her on top of him.

"Ow! What the fuck? Kayleigh!" He groaned, trying to get her off of him. But all he managed was to shift position so that he now lay on his back. He glared murderously at the stubborn girl who was keeping him from getting up. What was her game now?

But Kayleigh always gave as good as she gets. She glared right back at him.

Alex could only hold her gaze, captivated as always by her baby-blues. Then, it seemed she couldn't hold it in anymore - the dam broke.

Goddammit. She was crying on him! Damn her for resorting to this - she knew he could never handle her tears.

Alex shut his eyes tight, trying to block the sight of her face all crumpled. God help him, he still found her beautiful. As if on their own accord, his arms went around her protectively and pushed her face to his chest.

She cried harder.

He looked up to the black sky in despair, cursing himself for cowering to his weakness. Tightening his arms around her, he pressed a soft kiss to her temple. "Kayleigh?" He whispered.

She pressed her face even more to his chest, uncaring that she's getting his shirt all wet. She couldn't seem to stop crying.

"Kayleigh?" He whispered again, kissing her forehead. "Come on Kay," he coaxed softly, gently petting her hair.

She gasped uncontrollably at his touch, trying to steady her breathing. She shifted slightly, then buried her face in his neck, and started to cry all over again.

Alex's heart constricted at the sounds. "Kay, come on now," he whispered.

He felt her arms gripping him tightly, as if afraid he will disappear if she didn't.

Then, feeling a butterfly-soft touch on his neck, he stilled. Did she just...?

"Don't leave me, Alex," he heard her cry hoarsely, pressing more soft kisses on his neck, as if to convince him with the gesture.

He didn't reply, only hugging her tighter to him. God, how he loved her.

*photo by: ~onephotonerd

***random writing again, on a rainy Sunday afternoon - while I'm supposed to be working.
This one is definitely full of angst.

The Darkest of All

The black night was missing stars to spark the sky. No lamp posts to light his way, only the bare glimmer of the moon which was marred by the presence of smoky clouds. And it has been like this as of late. But he was immune to the seeming lack of life in his surroundings. He could feel nothing.

Alex continued to drag his feet along the stone pavements, leaning slightly on his cane as the burden of his knee kept him from walking any faster. The tight compress on his chest still constricting his insides, as it had ever since she left. He tasted poison with every breath, and breathed acid with every intake of air to his lungs. Gripping his cane harshly, he shut his eyes tight - fighting to keep away the tears he knew would fall.

He shouldn't have let her go.

*** Another random writing straight off of my head.

Put your head on my shoulder - I can carry you

Her heart felt like it had run an olympic marathon. It always does - whenever he's around. Never the steady beating as is normal, his presence always ensured to make it so. But she didn't care if he knew. He probably already did. And she didn't care that it made her unstable. This is one of those small matters she'd gladly bear. But what she couldn't take is the way they now stood, and the way he refuses to look at her.

How did it ever come to this? She desperately wanted to know.

Not knowing whether she will regret what she is about to do, but figuring she didn't have anything to lose - she took that last step and stood right before him.

Slowly, carefully, she placed her palms on his cheeks and forced him to look into her eyes. Letting him see the truth. Finally.

by: *sil-enigma

***A little vignette, a continuation of the last time I posted something random like this. Didn't turn out too bad I think, but definitely needs work.

Give Me Some Orange Juice - It'll Taste Like Apple Anyway

Yeah, I know - the title of this post makes you go 'huh?' I care not to explain right now. Or ever. But, it has an extremely tight connection with the general theme of my writing today. Which, I'm not going to explain in details either - guess ya'll just have to keep reading and thinking about it.

I'll just continue by saying that people, really need to know how to lay off others sometimes.

Like, seriously.

You need to know, what makes people tick. You need to know, what makes people puke. You need to know, what makes people want to look at you. And you need to know, above all else, when to just shut the fuck up.

So listen up! Dude - people aren't always going to be nice. People aren't always going to bother to pay homage to social norms, values and expectations that one be polite with others as we are all zoon politicon. Anybody who convinces you otherwise has some weird funky shit stuck up their ass.

Contrarily, people are most of the time, going to be jerks. Manipulative, insincere, hypocritical, dubious, crude and acrimonious, or just simply downright evil bastards. Newsflash sweetie, it's called LIFE. So for the sakes of all the sorry humans who have to make your acquaintance, wake up.

After a while you see, it gets more than a little tiring and certainly a hell of a lot more than old news to have to carry your flashlight, push the button and light you to the right direction. And in the same line, sooner or later people will run on a fuse which just keeps getting shorter - and then the light goes out. Do you really expect them to have the patience of a saint and try to find more just because you're ninny enough to not understand?

Get real.

Or better yet, drink some beer. Maybe when you're shitfaced the heavens will see fit to bless you with some enlightening. Oh wait, that's Buddha.

Now I'll close this nasty post with a cuteness overload - which I claim no credit for at all.



Via Mr. Andersen at Implodr and credits for posting goes to Meg. Ain't he cute??

He finds it painful to breathe

He stared at her with his lips just the slightest bit open, his gaze full of uncertainty and confusion. She who continually spins his world around, she who makes him fight for words, she who makes everything in his universe a nonsense. She whom he can't stop thinking of, whose wry grins and smirks fill his every bare moment - who makes it excruciatingly painful to breathe. She who stole his heart with that beautiful, sunny smile.

But that smile is nowhere to be seen on her face right now. When was the last time he had seen it? He can't recall. And he hated not knowing why.

"the break up" by Tazosh

*** random writing off of my head. I may explore this later - don't know yet for now.

What it means to be free

The clock reads 2:27am, and I am wide awake still. 'Tis not unusual, for I am known for my bat-like habits. What is unusual is some of the major reasons why I am wide awake.

I am swimming in deep thoughts - occasionally going down under, and I'll come up for air, just to keep myself alive. The cool soothing water that floats by heals inner wounds, but I wasn't born with gills, and webbed my feet are not. So swim I must.

The music playing in the back ground is "New Heights" by A Fine Frenzy. Not exactly the most relaxed set of tunes to accompany me tonight, but somehow it fits nicely.

Random though this surely will be, I need to ask: what does it mean to be free?

Is it free from guilt? Free from burdens? Free to do anything one wants? Free to speak? Free to breathe? Free from slavery? What?

I don't believe its any of the above that sets the true definition for free.

After tonight, what I believe is that, to be free, is to be able to live, just as you are, and trust in the Almighty, that even after everything and what is yet to come, you'll be OK. You'll be alright.