Don't Look At Me, I Didn't Do It

She couldn't figure out why the nagging feeling in the bottom of her stomach won't go away. Something seemed missing. Like there was a big gaping hole somewhere. It'd be great if only she could find out what it is exactly that is bugging her. Ransacking the brain, as she has now come to realize, doesn't really do much if the thing one was looking for simply refused to be found - as if insistent on playing hide-and-seek with the seeker who does not want to sought the hiding because of the want that the hiding would just simply come out in the open. It would, you know - making things sure a hell of a damn lot easier. Wow that's two curse words there. But what the heck.

One thing she knows for sure: somebody stole something from her. Something valuable. Something important. Something priceless. Something...she definitely wants, and in case it's not already clear to you guys, something she definitely needs.

All I gotta tell you is, don't look at me. I didn't do it.

***
Weird, random mutterings in the middle of my work break. So sue me.

I have a bone to pick with

generally speaking, the following people:

1. who scorns at what you wear - scorning your clothing, or your supposed lack of sense, acting as if they're the epitome of fashion's creme de la creme when the truth is so far removed from it it's not even funny.
2. who purposely brings you down knowing that their actions will make you question your future one, thereby effectively instilling doubts in yourself of your ability and questioning the wiseness of your actions.
3. who is a complete fake. They'd put out masks to the rest of the world, as if they're this nice people they want people to believe when in front of you they go straight for the kill, without anyone knowing the wiser.
4. who are toady and sycophantic.
5. who undermines and underestimate your ability.
6. who thinks they're it. or who acts like they're it.
7. who lie so well that it becomes truth.
8. who stabs their friends in the back. You want to be a jerk, at least be honorable about it and do it upfront.
9. who are Judas-like.
10. who rants about something that they: a) know nothing about, especially if they act like they're omniscient about it b) misunderstood, especially if it's in response to something that you said, and they rant back at you as if you're so wrong for saying it and as if you have no idea of the consequence of your words or the opposite party's concern in defending their arguments.

I'm going to make a mental note to myself to someday address each of these people fully in this blog - but today I'll be content with ranting about people I described in number 10 in the list above.

You see, there's been a debate on this issue - I'm going to have to be vague here for safety reasons, my own most importantly, but also the person I'm defending so I can't explain in detail what the issue is about - long story made short, it was instigated by a comment made by,...let's call him X.
I argued with X, pointing out the error of his argument, while at the same time acknowledging his right to be in the negative side of the issue, and acknowledging his concern. I ended our debate, saying it was pointless to continue, especially since we so obviously stand at opposite ends of the spectrum and never will see eye to eye on the matter.
Graciously, X agreed, - case closed.

Out of nowhere then, this Y person comes barging in, replying in a long blabbing manner, attacking my behaviour, insinuating that I am ignorant of X's concern, and that I do not understand where he's coming from, that I should try to see his point of view or place myself in his shoes.

Needless to say, I went berserk.

Because had this magnanimous ego possessing ninny actually bothered to take time and carefully read my posts on the issue, he will find, much to his bloody everlasting surprise, that I already did address all the crap he mentioned.

I think the reason why I'm even more pissed at it is because he was adamant, he was certain I was being narrow-minded about it, when I wasn't. To make matters worse, he was quite derogatory in his response to me, which even though the way he posted looked as if he was addressing a whole bunch of people, it was clear he was opposing me personally as he used my words specifically in his post.
GAH.

What. an. arsehole.

Jeremiad

The following is an earlier post of mine in my other blog in myspace, which I am determined to overcome this year! Amen.

Life is about choices. right? or at least, that's how I've always viewed it. Between sinful offerings and daiphanous thinkings, and not to forget impulsive cravings, the Big Guy sure did make the world a difficult place to live in.
am I complaining?
you could say that. or, you can choose a more preferable alternative (to me anyways), and say that I'm being critical and thoughtful.
I, however, will choose neither excuse, silly, pitiful and unjust as they are, and go with the simple truth: I, down to my small and insignificant toes, am lost and am looking in every angle possibly viewed through 360 degrees rotation to justify my present state, which is sad, lazy, and oh, very, very, ugly.
I've got what looks like a large pile of quixotic wantings, unwavering from their limbo since I've deigned to keep myself like this.
yes, I know I shouldn't. yes, I know it's bordering shameless. yes, I don't need to be told that I need to get my huge butt off my bed and rise and shine to greet the day instead of lazying about abed.
but my knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier for me to do just that: getting up.

now, even though I've just described this in a way that I'm sure is visual to you, rest assured what I mean to say is not so much visual than being hypothetic.
I need to get up, as in, get my thoughts composed, emotions controlled, and to quit lollying about like some waddling dolphins in the arctics.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and have arrived at a somewhat palpable conclusion that I simply enjoy being in this state.
I don't mean that I'm thrilled with the fact that I can't graduate in four years as is the normal length of time of studying for law students (undergraduates) in my country, hell no. if anything, the thought positively itches me, and makes me want to wail, pathetic as it may sound.
no, I hate it.
on the other hand however, my life, which, even if I do not yet have it sorted out completely, had, invisible latitude and longitude lines drawn on it, marking the main things I would like to achieve in what probably is going to be a short life.
does it mean I'm sorted out then?
no. because those lines, had, as of a couple of weeks ago, been tarnished by close-to-snide comments, and lucid doubts, upon my goals. so I've gone back many a step, retreated, and question those temporary decisions of mine.

around here then, the subject of this particular blog should be cleared well up. I am, pondering what seems to be imponderables, dwellings on 'mights' and 'probably nots', and am drawing to a close to biting off quite a bit more than I can chew.
"easy does it," people always say.

as you should already gather by now, I've got more than a couple of things to say to that.

This is going to be the weirdest entry - for now

I haven't got anything interesting to say right now actually. And no, I haven't got spare time either. But if I don't type, soon I'll be knocking myself out silly with my bare hands out of increasing agitation and the infinitesimal patience I'm quick running out of. So I guess that puts this into codswallop - but that word has already been used as a title for another post - hence the title of this particular post.

So.

kljf ;ksj;n; i tkjwrnt kehtaskfnakfn kaj las lkamskljijiouhwe;k jnsm smdbvlweuhfenfjksdnfkjshfiuweh iqwejrp9387572yv 4yv 8732y4 v87 fjsnsndndskjfhs;ldj nlsd ml!LOIU(*&$&^*& jksdfjkhsdkjfnsfn /.,/.sdlgjw eoiu4ot9 vwijklwjklwejglwij ;w9oow4u oijglkwje!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kljewklj1KJL!J!J*((&(*&*(&(*&$(*&@(&!($&!(*$&!*(&$!(*$&(!*$&(*!&

Now. If you've ever read Japanese manga comic books, you'll know that the above random inserts are usually used to identify swear and cusswords used by a particular character in the story.
To your question "why not use the actual words themselves?"
Well, the books are generally sensored once translated into my language (what with it being very popular and all with children) - especially if you buy them legally from the bookstore here. So they'd need to replace the actual words with said random symbols. Although I personally think it kills off all the fun out of reading it in its natural state.

Take Lasse Gjertsen for example.
His famous "Lasse Vs. Technology" videos on youtube, provides an exemplary portrait of the message I'm trying to convey. Do check it out if you haven't seen it already - it's hilarious and made my day.
I won't tell you the details of that video, but in vague terms: it's where we say 'FUCK IT' and blasts out all the anger into its proper place and time - with perhaps unwanted consequences which wouldn't be thinkable under the said place and time. Inconvenient yes, but at least all that shit has been vented out.

As to why I had to resort to using symbols to convey my message- I just don't think the words existing in the english language presently is adequate enough to depict my meaning.

I feel so much better now.

feeling like so much crap

the title of this particular blog says it all really. I am, as of now, feeling like so much crap. Like shit, if I want to be crude about it. why?
well there's actually a couple of reasons as to why. but the main reason why I'm feeling like this, is because of this one person I know. for the sake of maintaining privacy and avoiding childish name-calling (as well as for my own personal security reason lest this blog gets read by the person itself or some untrustworthy other, I.E. protecting my BUTT from getting unnecessary and most definitely unwanted kicks), lets name this person 'X'.

so I met X today, my heart beating erratically as it always does whenever the occasion, as this one, forces me to come face to face with X, as X is a person I must say I do not particularly like, and can certainly say that I harbor a rather strong dislike for. and I didn't meet X alone, no. but with a couple of other people who had to be there too.
the meeting started off well enough, X giving out X's trademark dry jokes to which all of us painfully forced a laugh at, and like I had predicted only too well a couple of days ago since I got X's call summoning me to meet X , the meeting then went downhill. horribly so.
X lectured about ethics, how it was imprudent for us students to go off on a particular trip, bearing the faculty's name and all, but not letting some people who needed to be told know about us going on said trip. about my failure to notify said people. questioned the most recent team who went abroad for one of such strips who failed to pay a visit to X before leaving, never mind letting the other people know, about how X has not received my organization's timetable, which I'm telling you now, was not my fault since the person I had delegated the duty to had performed disgustingly unwell by derelicting his duty, for the umpteenth time, down the drain, leaving me to bear all the flipping blame which shouldn't be borne by me at all.
and then X carried on about ethics again, X ever carefully phrasing X's sentences and elaborating his point in such a way as to not say expressly but expressly implying X's contention and personal view I've no doubt, of my person, that I, the bloody so-called best oralist is in possession of an uncaring nature, certain disrespect for elders, or rather, for particular people that I should pay more specific attention to, by assuming and judging opinionatedly of my behavior and relationships, by X saying this and that bla bla bla, which though perhaps had a lining of truth somewhere in it was still nevertheless unjust, unfair, and plausibly untrue for the most part.
and if I were to make this long story short, what it comes down to is X successfully made me feel low, downtrodden heart-wrenchingly degraded, and like I was the biggest pile of shit who ever had the grace to be wasted on this godforsaken planet.

I can readily enough, though perhaps somewhat reluctant, submit to the fact that X had good intentions. (with hidden agenda of course. doh.) and I can just as well readily agree to some of X's points.
but I just hated, the way X chose to address the painstaking issue, where I felt cornered and defenseless, where now that I come to think of it, I in fact have some reasons to explain, not justify, those actions and situations which were partial to his dislike.
I did my best not to shed tears before him and other people who were present who would then bear witness to my weakness (yeah, I have an unfortunately humongous ego which I sometimes resent to the largest extent), but as soon as I got home, on a speeding frenzy and myself probably became the numero uno reason to a number of drivers' rising emotions whom I carelessly honked at quite barbarically along the way., I bawled my eyes out like some four year-old who just had her lollipop brutally taken out of her hands.

it's only natural of course, then, for me to choose posting this blog in blue, it being the color of the day.

and after all this ranting, I haven't even come to the other reason why I'm feeling like crap: I have ticketing problems for my due flight to Egypt in two days. but now I haven't the energy to rant about that too, so I'll save it for another time, unless this reason in the near future is solved and as a result becomes nonexistent.

struggle

I am brainstorming with all my might, so that I can write a thesis that far surpasses my beliefs, and my hope is that it would even be good enough to be made into a book.
but alas, like all good stories, nothing is ever that simple. aiiight?
see, what I really want to write about is capital flight. but no matter how I look at it, whichever point I take myself to and take myself out of, I seem to end up in one direction and one direction only: that in the end I'll be talking about expropriation or nationalisation, which is a part of public international law.
why this poses a dilemma for me, is because I major in business law. which means I cannot take a theme which belongs to other majors. unless I want to side-track, which is completely out of the question since I despise the lecturers who reside in that particular field.
and I've been researching. but I always seem to come up with only economic aspects of it, and not the law related ones, which is what I really need.
so now I'm looking for a substitute theme, just in case I don't make it with this one. every day is like a nightmare, with me going to bed thinking: what if I don't graduate by January??? what if my thesis don't make sense?? and more 'what-ifs'.
which sucks.

Jeremiad

Life is about choices. right? or at least, that's how I've always viewed it. Between sinful offerings and daiphanous thinkings, and not to forget impulsive cravings, the Big Guy sure did make the world a difficult place to live in.
am I complaining?
you could say that. or, you can choose a more preferable alternative (to me anyways), and say that I'm being critical and thoughtful.
I, however, will choose neither excuse, silly, pitiful and unjust as they are, and go with the simple truth: I, down to my small and insignificant toes, am lost and am looking in every angle possibly viewed through 360 degrees rotation to justify my present state, which is sad, lazy, and oh, very, very, ugly.
I've got what looks like a large pile of quixotic wantings, unwavering from their limbo since I've deigned to keep myself like this.
yes, I know I shouldn't. yes, I know it's bordering shameless. yes, I don't need to be told that I need to get my huge butt off my bed and rise and shine to greet the day instead of lazying about abed.
but my knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier for me to do just that: getting up.

now, even though I've just described this in a way that I'm sure is visual to you, rest assured what I mean to say is not so much visual than being hypothetic.
I need to get up, as in, get my thoughts composed, emotions controlled, and to quit lollying about like some waddling dolphins in the arctics.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and have arrived at a somewhat palpable conclusion that I simply enjoy being in this state.
I don't mean that I'm thrilled with the fact that I can't graduate in four years as is the normal length of time of studying for law students (undergraduates) in my country, hell no. if anything, the thought positively itches me, and makes me want to wail, pathetic as it may sound.
no, I hate it.
on the other hand however, my life, which, even if I do not yet have it sorted out completely, had, invisible latitude and longitude lines drawn on it, marking the main things I would like to achieve in what probably is going to be a short life.
does it mean I'm sorted out then?
no. because those lines, had, as of a couple of weeks ago, been tarnished by close-to-snide comments, and lucid doubts, upon my goals. so I've gone back many a step, retreated, and question those temporary decisions of mine.

around here then, the subject of this particular blog should be cleared well up. I am, pondering what seems to be imponderables, dwellings on 'mights' and 'probably nots', and am drawing to a close to biting off quite a bit more than I can chew.
"easy does it," people always say.

as you should already gather by now, I've got more than a couple of things to say to that.