The Only One

I guess today is about reminiscing some of my old writings. After the post below, I came across this other poem slash song I wrote last year, on January 26th. To date, I think it's probably the most intense and romantic piece I've ever written...I'm quite proud of this one actually. Especially since I've never actually experienced what I wrote myself...teehee :D

Anyway, it's called "The Only One". Hope anyone reading will find it to their liking too!

"The Only One"

I can still smell you on my skin
and breathe you in on my pillows
I can still feel your heat with my sheets
as I pull them back to keep your warmth

I am reluctant to get up
I want to linger in these messy tangles
Wait for you to walk through the door
It can't come too soon
You can't come too soon

You were so still as I watched you sleep
so unguarded, and so open

Yet I knew the moment that you wake
you'll close off and renew your walls
and I would smile and tease you for it
at the most you'll call out my name
in that way of yours
that's never failed to bring me down
to my knees

And I know you don't see in my eyes
what you were so sure would be there
you don't see in my gaze
what you've convinced yourself to see
when will you ever realize
that I'm not the one
I won't be the one
who shuns you away even when you're hurting the most
and don't just don't want to be alone
I know you don't really want to be alone

So when will you give in, when will you take it for real
that
I am not leaving
You can push me away
and I'll just run back, come after you
because you're the only one
who gets me
you're the only one
who sees me as I am
and you know that I'm
the only one
who sees you this close
the only one who you let see you this close.

Face

Came across this poem/song I wrote about...two years ago. It feels quite...apt at the moment. So I thought I'd share it here.

"Face"

I am two and twenty years of age as of months before
but have I become any wiser
and even if I have would I know?
How would I know
and how can anyone tell

The truth is often always nothing but lies
narrowed down to its barest of forms
that don't we all have, encountered?
one way or another

I need to get to the bottom
of this mess, oh all this mess
haven't done me any favors
save to confuse and frustrate
the hell out of my being
I don't want this to turn into
another of those things we could just
throw away and forget

I've never known silence to be this still
the lack of voices is damning
is coldly haunting
If rain were to fall on my head, as of right now
would I feel
it drop?
would I feel
its pressure?
and would I feel myself getting wet
because
I haven't been breathing for the longest time

The air that passes through my lungs exist
only so that I don't decay
and the impact of the bright sun
I haven't felt
It's never been warm or light in here
for ages and I
haven't been what you call alive
for sometime now
so I'll think it's wise to sleep some more
slip into these dreams where I
can at least escape from all the
bitter and the unknown
I don't want to face
No I don't ever want to face.

The Unnatural

It's only natural that you would feel
the world that you see is a syndicate
and the box in which you live in, an sphere
But it's only unnatural that I would feel
that the waters I swim in is clean
my eyes cannot see into the light
the curtains are all that is in sight
and they would not budge

It's only natural that you would feel
that it is impossible to heal
the wounds wrought too deep to cover
and sewing back erases not the marks
But unnatural it is that I
would be incapable of knowing
or telling the differences that lie
the paths that you and I walk in
have broken up in opposing directions
and I can't hold your hand now
and you can't see my tears now

It's only natural that here
is where we etch history
I've sung out anthems in glory
and you've fought wars in all forms of bravery
but a closer look inside
reveals blood
we're both bleeding from our sacrifices
and while pain is not unnatural
the attempt to believe it's real and happening
will always be unnatural to me

***H.Az

Save Me

So will this be the very last of
all goodbyes and hellos that we'll share
in truth and in fact I am not ready to part with

Excuse my choosing to still stay here
'Neath the shadows of the olive trees
and the grass for forever company
At least I know they will last
and not burn out before my fire does

*Will you save me for the last time
I'm drowning waterless on the surface clear
Will you rescue me for the last time
I'm suffocating while I breathe in the clean air
Pull me out of the still currents
Swimming me away from the center of the mirror
Save me from myself.

So will I ever get the first chance recycled again
I know the wheel has spun and spun before in numerous
but I'll never get over, don't think I'll ever get over
the first time

The age of innocence has died and long lived out its lifespan
but the coming of dawn has never felt welcome
I guess it is always the way with things new,
unknown and inexperienced

*But will you save me for the last time
Though I'm least deserving of your assistance
Don't need reminding of it I know
as one whose wisdom is unquestioned
But this is why you have to save me now
Rescue me out of this desert of
Plastic happiness
I'm suffocating while I breathe in the cool air
Pull me out of the still currents
and save me from myself.

by: H.Az

Don't Blink 'Coz You'll Miss It

Undo these tangles and sweep off all the dusting 'coz right now
You've got me good but I'll
Slip away somehow
Oh I'll sneak once you're asleep and
breathing Neverland 'till
tomorrow comes to wake and I'll
Slip away
Slip away somehow

Only Stirred and Not Shaken

Do you hear them, dearest? The strains that lulls you in and dusts flirty air on your face
So you’d take a moment and sleep, though only for a minute.
It will seem like an eternity.
For once you close your eyes, your vision and your heart
molds into one entity, and
you will be unable to decipher clearly:
the varied and most diverse set of reasons
but at this point in time none will matter
and I will let you be.

So can you hear them, dearest? Does the magic employed not repel desired results?
I am bewitched by your beauty - you have encased them in your insanity.
You convince that I live in square by square
When I tell you that the edges you believe, they do not exist
but you always make sense out of nonsense
you leave me bereft of all reason
or is it you who is lacking of wit?
I no longer know. And I am no longer sure I wish to know, anymore.

Are you with me, dearest? Have you long run past the line of common grounds?
You were always fond to remind of where you and I stand -
but frequent as of late I recall not whether it was ever truly drawn.
The smoked edges of your barricades have been faint for a while -
and I don’t recall it being there at all.

But worry not, my dear. Am only stirred, not shaken.
Am only jostled a little, but not thrown and no I'm not shaken
Only stirred.

*H.A., 14-15 April,2010.

Keep You Here

Ok this one is one of my own :) (whoa quite a tongue-twister there...lol)

Never say never

Never will I, quit this

While I breathe – still I will,

keep you here, in my heart, in my mind

Never say never

they can call me foolish, or anything they wish

I care not, still I will

Keep you here.

Also a tribute to:

***Casper to Wendy: "Can I keep you?"***

Just the Only One

Do you know that you make me feel surreal
like all the things one could only see in dreams
and that disappears the moment that you wake?
Do you know that you are capable of the most magical things?
You never fail to make me laugh or lift me up when I'm in my darkest state of mind

and you would challenge me into
all of these nonsensical debates
where you would never let me win
and even when we're both spent and tired
still you issue out your last sentence
and force me to begin again

Do you know how valuable your every thought and concerns are to me
you make me feel like I'm worthy
Do you know that you are not what I expected
and always full of surprises that make me hold back
only to question if this is what I've been looking for

and you're the only one who's hit it thrice
in every place that matters
that was when I knew I'd give up all else if I
could just be with you
and you're the only one who I know would
hold me up if I'm drunk and tell me that
I still look beautiful.

and you're the only one who's ever known
what I mean even before my saying it and
you are the only one who knows, who truly knows
just exactly what I mean.

*Dedicated to my high-school friend who's getting married this summer - congratulations Kania :)

Settle Down

so I’m putting it out, putting it, out there
Laying it down open and wide, on the table
completely free and free of non-brevity
what else are you asking for?

I’m baring it all, to this big, open space
just throwing it out, no second thoughts to the haze
and whatever form of cloud is greying my days
I won’t turn around, am not gonna settle down

for this:
I have walked countless miles by now
all the seas and sands pales by comparison
and the splashes of colours that brightens,
they are…so few but so precious…
and I have argued my lifetime in the courts
I’ve debated two-edged swords but I
am unsatisfied with the way things are turning out
so don’t keep me down, I’m not gonna settle
- not this time.

some people keep looking for what they’ve already found
and even when they’ve found still they cannot grasp
somehow it remains so out of touch and incapable to reach
but is it more due to lack of will than lack of sound mind?
The circle starts nowhere it seems…
yet a closer look clarifies all points, and
squares out all those doubts into
empty space,… so to keep away hollow,
I, won’t settle,
- not this time

Shut Your Eyes Close

Shut your eyes close, sometimes it's the only way to see
When all else seems to fail and leave you hollow and empty
Shut your ears out, sometimes it's the only way to hear
When all the voices are but painful screams that you do not need, here

and once everything slowly calms
once the storm betrays its axis,
I'll finally quit spinning around...
and once the wheels of time unfreeze
maybe then I'll get to breathe
and see without tunnel vision smoking my way through.

The air is thick with tension and
pressurized moments seconds away from explosion
and results beyond control
The vertical line is diagonal
and the patches of grass is rudimentary to
my keeping a firm stand

but once the earthquake empty out
all the sins that were cast without shame
would I be brave enough to admit blame?
and once the wheels of time unfreeze
can my hopes be something more than its extent?
I am thirsty to breathe clearly
all the confusion you pollute suffocate me.

so stop me not from shutting my lids close
this may be one of those times I can only see
without the influence of others corrupting me.

Hypocrite

the little things that matter to me,
don't much matter to anyone else here, I know
and it is much too much to ask for...
But the little things that I often wish for
all the images that float by in my mind
are lined in gold threads,
and they make me believe that I can have:

***
them if only I stay this way and never falter, never change in the way
that I think and view the world as they are
and nothing but as it is
that to put bleach on what is coloured is to ruin what is already
naturally beautiful...
and that I'd be the best hypocrite of them all.

All the little things that they put aside
push to the back and don't think twice or look back on
someday will come to haunt
and maybe then they will wonder what they've been missing
but it'll be much too late for regrets and
it'll be much too far a time to change
so this is why I'm staying away
from all the diamonds and other shows of wealth that
everyone else has to offer...

But the little things that I often wish for
all the images that float by in my mind
are lined in gold threads,
and they make me believe that I can have:

***
them if only I stay this way and never falter, never change in the way
that I think and view the world as they are
and nothing but as it is
that to put bleach on what is coloured is to ruin what is already
naturally beautiful...
and that I'd be the best hypocrite of them all.

The Breaking of the Ice Escapes Unnoticed in My Numb State

You're not the only one whose defenses are down, so let me in
let me inside of your innermost feelings
and you just might find that you've always been the able person that you are
once you get a hold of yourself back
once you get a grip on the facts

when the breaking of the ice escapes unnoticed in my numb state
I've evolved blind ears and dead eyes
but the wall keeps closing in
and I keep shrinking and thinking like
I'll be better of out of here than further on my drunken escapade

You're not the only one whose defenses are down, so let me in
maybe together we'll somehow find
utopia
in a place where we can't see
but it'll be good enough for we'll still feel
and that is all that matters in the end
that we can feel
that I can feel what you can feel

so whisper ever so softly and let the wind carry
I'll snatch it up and float it up
where I'm sure everyone will notice
that the broken shards of ice are insignificant
and worthy not of my thoughts
no worthy not of my thoughts
at all

don't let me get me

I know that you think I'm doing OK
that the remotest possibility of me having problems
would pale in comparison to everyone else.
I know you think I have things under control
everything's smoothly in line
with only the slightest chance of amiss -
that's only because I make it look so
because I'm the best at pretending
I'm that good at lying
and
no one knows.

You'll only ever see me cry in a blue moon
and you still wouldn't come close to the truth
because I won't let you.
But this is damaging. This is abuse to the maximum
and I'm a hazard to myself
because I'm in desperate need
desperate need of serious help.
And I've too much pride to open up
and let the world know
I feel so alone
I feel this lost
I feel like I've gone and murdered every ounce of
self-control, that I ever had in possession
Are you listening?
I didn't think so.

I've been sweetening my lies with kilos of fallacies
that all you would ever know of me
are shadows
and that's saying something.

Please take me away from myself
I'm all closed up
I need to be bare naked
I need to be cleansed
Please don't leave me here
with no defense from myself
I will die and
not know it
because I'm too good at pretending
I live an illusion of false visions and ideas
and my mask is too thick to scrub out
so take me away
take me away from myself
and don't let me get me
don't let me get me
ever again.

the TruTh

I'm going to abandon all pretense right now
and tell you what you want to hear
whether in the end you'll regret my insincerity
has no bearing on the present place and time.
If you feel the slightest hesitation
now would be a pretty good time to speak
or keep your doubts at peace
for without your belief in the matter
worthless is my sacrifice.
The ghosts of the past do not come to haunt
though many of us would reason so
only for the human ineptitude to accept
what lies beyond all reasonable boundaries
and the hopefulness of the future though vague
may be the only thing certain
if we only dare to reach
and say hell to all that we fear.
You're not hollow in your vanity
though I once were among who disagree
you're just a little pretentious and much too fanciful
to not let your colossal ego get the better out of you.
I'd prefer to name it weakeness but I've a penchant for truth
that more than meets my thirst for subtlety
and beatific smiles
so I've deigned myself to cover
not the untruth, and never to conceal
just not to reveal
anymore than I need to reveal
just not to tell
anymore than I need to tell.

listen

Tell me again of that story about a boy
although I won't promise to listen
you provide too much of a distraction.
You can blame it on my stupidity
or reckless abandon of my senses
I prefer to call it foolish romance.
I've been wondering whether you've been noticing
but it's not like anywhere you stand
would be of benefit to me anymore than
my own ears have been to me,
because I haven't been listening.

come again (with) your last sentence
I caught something about a past
I hope it wasn't mine by any chance
though a second glance at your face tells me otherwise.
I don't suppose you'd care to repeat
just that one last thought
but it's not like any way I stand
would be of use to me anymore than
my simple self have been lately
because I haven't been listening.

and they say I had it coming
that the rules of the game we play was written somewhere
and I've broken a couple of serious ones, and that I'm sure to pay.
but I'm not hearing any of this
I'm not having any of it
unless the rules are down on concrete stone
I won't be listening.

All The Time

all the time
you uncover me bare with your eyes
you unwind my lies with a smile
and you can tell, you can perfectly tell
when I'm unwell

all the time
you shake me out of my system
you put me back in my place if you know
I've gone too far outside the line

all the time
I'm as good as naked in your eyes
and you're as good as shadows in the dark
you never tell, and I rarely can tell

all the time
I'd wish you to come up and come out
so I can break down all these walls that
I can't readily see but you keep out
all the time
I'd be close to tears trying to figure out
but I never could and I'm as close
to understanding you like I know I'm lost

all the time
you get me before I
get it out
you stop me from becoming
what I know is the worst side of myself

all the time
you lead me back when I'm seconds from
giving up
if only with a wink and a reassuring smile
that I will, I will get through it all
without so much of a sweat breaking down my wall

yeah, all the time
I'm as good as naked in your eyes
and you're as good as shadows in the dark
you never tell, and I rarely can tell

all the time
I'd wish you to come up and come out
so I can break down all these walls that
I can't readily see but you keep out
all the time
I'd be close to tears trying to figure out
but I never could and I'm as close
to understanding you like I know I'm lost