just blurbs. today. or, this morning...

I am sleepy and tired and overly exhausted

And my nose is runny, my eyes bleary and I can barely sit up straight

Am listening to Blue by Jack’s Mannequin

Speeds my heartbeat up up up like a train on rollercoasters

No Andrew the night is not a perfect shade of dark blue.

I can’t see anything at all past the ceiling white – and the bright lamps, which

Is doing nothing to cure my hazardous tendencies of falling flat on my face, asleep

In front of the computer

While my assignments left unfinished still

Save Me

So will this be the very last of
all goodbyes and hellos that we'll share
in truth and in fact I am not ready to part with

Excuse my choosing to still stay here
'Neath the shadows of the olive trees
and the grass for forever company
At least I know they will last
and not burn out before my fire does

*Will you save me for the last time
I'm drowning waterless on the surface clear
Will you rescue me for the last time
I'm suffocating while I breathe in the clean air
Pull me out of the still currents
Swimming me away from the center of the mirror
Save me from myself.

So will I ever get the first chance recycled again
I know the wheel has spun and spun before in numerous
but I'll never get over, don't think I'll ever get over
the first time

The age of innocence has died and long lived out its lifespan
but the coming of dawn has never felt welcome
I guess it is always the way with things new,
unknown and inexperienced

*But will you save me for the last time
Though I'm least deserving of your assistance
Don't need reminding of it I know
as one whose wisdom is unquestioned
But this is why you have to save me now
Rescue me out of this desert of
Plastic happiness
I'm suffocating while I breathe in the cool air
Pull me out of the still currents
and save me from myself.

by: H.Az

I Do Not Love You

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I do not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

*My favourite poem of all time, by Pablo Neruda.

Barely Breathing

Duncan Sheik puts it...so, so well.

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going
Wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion
So completely torn
Must have been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking
What's it all about?
I used to be so certain
Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?
I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason
And only you to blame
Will it ever change?

...

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

...

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear

*lyrics to "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik.

Don't Blink 'Coz You'll Miss It

Undo these tangles and sweep off all the dusting 'coz right now
You've got me good but I'll
Slip away somehow
Oh I'll sneak once you're asleep and
breathing Neverland 'till
tomorrow comes to wake and I'll
Slip away
Slip away somehow

Once Upon A Time, There Was The Perfect Man

He paused. “I am not in the habit, Daphne, of wearing my heart on my sleeve, if you’ll pardon me. If the reasons I have given for wanting you have not rung true, as you say, that’s probably because what I feel for you scares the hell out of me.”

She did her best to absorb his words in wonder. “You, scared?” she murmured, still in doubt. He never seemed afraid of anything.

He nodded slowly. “I’ve been trying to give myself sane, logical reasons for this...obsession you’ve cast over me. Trying to tell myself it’s just a simple, practical match, for the sake of producing heirs. Nothing to be alarmed about. But that’s not the truth of how I feel.”

“How do you feel, Max?” she prompted in a soft tone.

For a long moment, he considered, as though peering gingerly into himself. “Lost. Daphne...this is not an easy feeling for a man who always knows exactly where he’s going.”

She felt tears beginning to sting the backs of her eyelids. She wanted to take him into her arms. He was such an expert at so many things, and so hopeless when it came to affairs of the heart. Clearly, he needed her.

“I’ve never experienced anything like this, and I’ve experienced a lot of things, believe me. But never this. Never...anything like you. You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thought in my head before I fall asleep. Don’t misunderstand me, the lost feeling isn’t all misery,” he amended. “There is also, when I’m with you, a wonderful joy. If I fought for you too hard, Daphne, it’s only because I didn’t want to lose this, or lose you. I’ve never had this before, you see. You’ve opened up new doors in me that...Oh, God, I sound absolutely ridiculous.” He shut his eyes and turned away. “Would you just shoot me now and be done with it, please?”

“I don’t want to shoot you.” The tears she had been fighting now rose to blur her vision. “And I don’t think you sound ridiculous at all.” She sat down weakly on a nearby hay bale since her legs felt too shaky to hold her up much longer.

“Well.” Max opened his eyes and stood with his hands propped on his waist, his head down. “For some reason,” he said in a low and heavy tone, “I thought you were feeling the same way. But then last night, you told me we were through. I did not understand. I still don’t.” His shoulders lifted in a weary shrug. “I don’t know what else to do or say to win you. I’ve tried everything I know, and obviously, nothing’s worked. Last night, when I saw I was really losing you, I guess I lost control.”

“Well, Max, yes, but I saw how Albert kept trying to provoke you,” she offered cautiously. “We both know you could have done a great deal worse to all three of the Carew brothers, if you had wanted to.”

He shrugged, avoiding her gaze. “I promised you once that I’d never permit any man to insult you in my presence, which he did. All the same, I should have dealt with him later, not in front of you. Eh, enough of all this,” he declared, as though waving off the dangerous emotions that filled the air between them. “I am not making excuses. You were right to be rid of me, and that’s the end of it. I just wanted to say, mainly, that I am sorry for all the different ways I’ve tried...to pressure you into doing what I want. What matters is what you want.”

He took a deep breath and forged on bravely. “Whatever you decide for me, I will accept. If you just want a friend, that is what I’ll be. If you never want to speak to me again, I’ll stay away. If all you want is an attack dog to deal with any fool who might ever bother you, just let me know. I will respect your wishes no matter what you choose. Your happiness, Miss Starling, is my only remaining concern.”

***Full credits to Gaelen Foley in "My Wicked Marquess".

His Life

"You don't get it do you?!" He screamed in her face, hating the way her anguish was so clearly etched for him to see. He hated seeing her in pain. And he hated even more knowing that he was causing it. But he was at his wit's end - she was driving him insane, as she had been doing for years.

"Get what, Alex?" She whispered hoarsely, her throat parched from having run after him so far.

Alex let out a howl of frustration. "Just leave me alone, Kayleigh, OK?"

"No! I won't! This has to stop, Alex! What the hell is wrong with you?"

He laughed maniacally. What was wrong with him? Was she kidding? He shook his head, trying to clear the pain in his chest and moved to pick up his bag from the ground.

"Just go, Kayleigh," he said bitterly. Hoisting his bag back on his shoulders, he turned his back to her and walked away without another word.

What the hell? Kayleigh felt like tearing her hair out.

"Alex!" She called harshly.

He ignored her, and walked even faster.

"ALEX! Come back and tell me what the fuck is going on! ALEX!" She shouted, mindless of the late hour. Her best friend since four was going - to God knows where - without giving her so much as an explanation. Her best friend, who had been acting like a jerk for the past few months. Her best friend, who she was secretly in love with. Damn him if she was going to let him get away with this.

Taking several gulps of deep breaths to calm herself, she kicked off into a run and went straight for his back. She tackled him into the ground, felling them both, her on top of him.

"Ow! What the fuck? Kayleigh!" He groaned, trying to get her off of him. But all he managed was to shift position so that he now lay on his back. He glared murderously at the stubborn girl who was keeping him from getting up. What was her game now?

But Kayleigh always gave as good as she gets. She glared right back at him.

Alex could only hold her gaze, captivated as always by her baby-blues. Then, it seemed she couldn't hold it in anymore - the dam broke.

Goddammit. She was crying on him! Damn her for resorting to this - she knew he could never handle her tears.

Alex shut his eyes tight, trying to block the sight of her face all crumpled. God help him, he still found her beautiful. As if on their own accord, his arms went around her protectively and pushed her face to his chest.

She cried harder.

He looked up to the black sky in despair, cursing himself for cowering to his weakness. Tightening his arms around her, he pressed a soft kiss to her temple. "Kayleigh?" He whispered.

She pressed her face even more to his chest, uncaring that she's getting his shirt all wet. She couldn't seem to stop crying.

"Kayleigh?" He whispered again, kissing her forehead. "Come on Kay," he coaxed softly, gently petting her hair.

She gasped uncontrollably at his touch, trying to steady her breathing. She shifted slightly, then buried her face in his neck, and started to cry all over again.

Alex's heart constricted at the sounds. "Kay, come on now," he whispered.

He felt her arms gripping him tightly, as if afraid he will disappear if she didn't.

Then, feeling a butterfly-soft touch on his neck, he stilled. Did she just...?

"Don't leave me, Alex," he heard her cry hoarsely, pressing more soft kisses on his neck, as if to convince him with the gesture.

He didn't reply, only hugging her tighter to him. God, how he loved her.

*photo by: ~onephotonerd

***random writing again, on a rainy Sunday afternoon - while I'm supposed to be working.
This one is definitely full of angst.

The Day I Lost My Voice

It's sure as the floor 'neath my toes and somehow not surprised
That I was superimposed somehow in this life
And if my friends and my foes would just drop me a line, it'd be nice

You see love is a drink that goes straight to my head
And time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare
And the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night

I've got my life in a suitcase and ready to run, run, run away
I got no time 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday it feels like it's only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

What could be an anchor here, with a storm on the rise
When you never meant to see so clear when smoke gets in your eyes
And the men in the moon never makes his replies understood

...
For a moment I was one man and the world made sense
And for a moment here this storm made no consequence

'Cause everyday it feels like it's only a game


*by the abominably talented, one and only, Copeland. (lyrics to "The Day I lost My Voice", also known as "the Suitcase Song.")

I can't wait for

States.

Turn around and walk away,
I know we can make it through, make it back to:
The town in the sky, we've waited our whole lives and now its time to begin...
Give it away don't forget we're all safe and now it's
Right in the end...

"The Town in The Sky" by States: Bryan Laurenson, Mindy White and Stephen Laurenson

Perpetually Inspired

I am perpetually inspired by these amazing individuals:
Justin Richards,
Aaron Marsh,
John Rzeznik,
Jim Atkins,
Ben Gibbard,
Andrew McMahon,
John Hampson,
Andrew Brittell,
Matt Friction,
and
Jason Wade.

Let You Go

And if somebody tells you
You're not enough
If somebody tells you
You're not good enough

If somebody tells you this,
It isn't just
Just, I'm burning out
And I'm calling all the bluffs

I don't wanna let you go
But the weather changes like your mind
And I don't wanna give you up
But I might this time
Hope the new grass you seek
Is greener than the greenest green
And if it's not, or if it is
I just hope you'll be
At peace

*by: the talented Bryce Avary who fronts and mans The Rocket Summer

The Darkest of All

The black night was missing stars to spark the sky. No lamp posts to light his way, only the bare glimmer of the moon which was marred by the presence of smoky clouds. And it has been like this as of late. But he was immune to the seeming lack of life in his surroundings. He could feel nothing.

Alex continued to drag his feet along the stone pavements, leaning slightly on his cane as the burden of his knee kept him from walking any faster. The tight compress on his chest still constricting his insides, as it had ever since she left. He tasted poison with every breath, and breathed acid with every intake of air to his lungs. Gripping his cane harshly, he shut his eyes tight - fighting to keep away the tears he knew would fall.

He shouldn't have let her go.

*** Another random writing straight off of my head.

You Have My Attention

Quiet now, your voice seems miles away
Yet somehow, I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while
Since that first day when you made my heart smile
With loving eyes and tired sighs that flow
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary
Speak but a whisper

by: Copeland

I can't wait to watch this band tomorrow. They ROCK and I can't believe they are breaking up. It's a sad tragedy - they have made a legacy.

All That I'm Looking For

is happiness and contentment.

And to reach it, they say there are many roads to Rome. But which road will you take? Which road is the right one, which is the one easy, and which road is the one you really, really want?

The price tagged on happiness and contentment depends on how each of us view it, and the medium we use to measure it.

What are you looking for?

He's Pretty and He Knows It - the bastard

There's this guy I know - whom I've never really conversed with aside from the required exchange of questions and answers involved if I want to get my drink - who is really pretty.

Like, cute pretty.

From another angle, real masculine chiseled good-looks: great jaw, great bone structure, flirty sharp, cheeky eyes, and lips that make you think dirty thoughts.

Did I mention that he's tall?

I can't remember the last time I was so thrown off by a guy.

And the most unnerving thing about this is, he knows it. The curve of his lips is just so, and the way he asks these questions is just so, and the twinkle in his eyes make it just so. Nerve-wrecking bastard.

Still, he is pretty. *sigh*

by: shy

Trying

Could you let down your hair
And be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if you're human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And God I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

by: Lifehouse

The Most Wonderful

Ally woke up to the quiet sound of Trent saying her name. She opened her eyes to find him looking down at her, silhouetted by the sunlight pouring into the room.

"Morning, beautiful," he said, kissing her forehead softly.

"What time is it?"

"8:30."

Ally groaned and squeezed her eyes closed. "Why'd you wake me up?"

"Because," he began, grabbing her arms and pulling her up. "I want to show you something."

"Can't it wait?"

"Nope."

Ally let out a whimper and slid out of bed, wrapping a blanket tightly around herself. She looked up at Trent to find him standing right in front of her. With a smile, he put a hand over her eyes.

"I couldn't let you miss this," Trent whispered into her ear, slowly walking her across the room.

Ally tensed up as they stepped outside and the cold air kissed her bare shoulders. The wood beneath her bare feet was also cold, leading her to believe that they were on a dock or balcony of some sort.

"You're going to love this," Trent said, stopping her. He put an arm around her and held her tightly against him. "Ready?" But he didn't wait for her to answer; he just pulled his hand away from her eyes.

Ally's breath stilled in her lungs when she saw the gorgeous sight in front of her. It was a gorgeous lake – the color of aquamarine – that was surrounded by pine trees and snowy mountains. "Wow," Ally breathed. "It's... beautiful."

Trent rested his chin on her shoulder and stared out at the lake with her. "We came here a lot when I was a kid."

"Where are we?"

"Lake Tahoe."

"Is this the house he left you?"

"Uh huh."

"It's so beautiful here."

"I know. It's strangely addicting too."

Ally kissed him on the cheek. "I wouldn't mind coming back."

"If that's what you want then that's what we'll do."

"I love that you do what I say," Ally giggled quietly.

"I aim to please."

full credits to Vanderhall in "The Sophomore Season"

It's All Too Familiar

Trent rolled his eyes, deciding that nothing he said would make any difference. He knew from far too much experience that David was nothing more than a parasite; he would simply feed off your energy until he'd run you into the ground. Trent would not let the stupid jackass win.

by: Vanderhall in "The Sophomore Season"

I can definitely relate to that.

Keep Me Caged and I'll Break Free

Abuse a person's body and they will suffer but still be alive.
Abuse a person's mind and they will one day end up useless and yet still alive.
But abuse a person's spirit and they will breathe still but not live, for in truth they will have died.- H.A.

The In Crowd

I just found out that John Hampson of Nine Days - who to this day remains one of my favourite vocalists and song writer, has a solo project of his own. Am currently digging his song "The In Crowd", the lyrics of which I post below:

Spin away the combination for the last time
Say goodbye to this year
Wish I had a way to avoid the empty summer that awaits me
They'll drink and make a toast
Celebrating their new freedom
I'll sit alone on the couch
Coming undone

My girlfriends a remote control cause I
Can turn her on for hours at a time
and I don't think I've ever known a life
That i was part of the in crowd

Turn around another day another disgrace
Fall flat on my face
I wish I had a freakin license
Get a car and head out west
They'll smoke and burn it down
Rocking out with their new freedom
I'll sit alone on the couch
Coming undone

My girlfriends a remote control cause I
I have become emotionally paralyzed
And I don't think I've ever known a life
That I was part of the in crowd

Doesn't anyone hear the sound of my voice?
I'm talking so loud so noone has a choice
If I keep you near I'm such a satellite boy
And I'll disappear into a blue light void

Spin away the combination for the last time
Say goodbye to last year
Wish I had a way to avoid the empty summer that awaits me
They'll drink and make a toast
Celebrating new freedoms
I'll sit alone on the couch
Watching TV

My best friend has a perfect life and I
Live vicariously through the magic eye
And I know that I've never known a life
Where everyones got perfect teeth and hair
Selling everything from sex to underwear
I wonder what its like to have it all
To be a part of the in crowd