Balancing steps on Unbalanced Wheels

Sometimes, I wonder whether I truly have a good head on my shoulders, and an equally good heart inside my ribs. I seem to be…a bit too spiteful at times. Of course, this statement naturally implies that for all the other times that I am merely spiteful, it is OK? I would resent this interpretation, because I think the more apt understanding is that I am simply responding, to the evil that gets me.

Someone told me that they wished I could be more peaceful in the future. I took that to mean, more peaceful with myself, with people, with the world in general. I thought it was, and is, a good wish – one that I thank the wisher for being so thoughtful to think of it. Because if I look down at the depths of my soul, I know that I am not content. And maybe this atones for my sourly disposition which I exhibit to the world at large sometimes. Mind you, please do not misunderstand this to mean that I am an angry person always – but it does mean that I can, at times, be a real bitch. And I link this to the proposition I put up earlier, that what I am doing – is being responsive.

The reason why I, primarily, disagree with the implication of me being too spiteful as a person, or that I am perpetually angry, is because it is an inherent action resulting from my human nature. I think anyone who has had bad things happen to them, would naturally respond to it – and the only question is whether one responds positively, or negatively. Frankly, I believe most do the latter, because most humans are not capable of saintly attitudes that creates the former’s more sunnier disposition. Most humans are selfish. That includes myself I’m afraid.

To elaborate – if someone comes up to you and insults you, or take the mickey out of your religious beliefs, or tell people completely horrendous things about you which are not truthful and based solely on their own self-centered beliefs – do you honestly expect yourself to be able to only smile and not feel an ounce of anger? That you would not be driven to curse them or feel like knocking on their heads with a bat and shout ‘Wake up!’?

I think, that that is an impossible feat. And that even if you do manage to smile, you do so only after you quell your ‘evil’ thoughts down and convince yourself that you are far better than this, that it is not worthy to respond to it. You would be right on this last bit here however – this I don’t dispute. But again, to emphasize, I have a problem with the idea that one is expected to simply not feel, or not feel anything in response. It’s like an action and reaction thing – you do something, and you get another thing as a result. And that, is what I have been, and am, doing: reacting.

Clearly I would be biased on my own behalf and believe that my reaction is entirely reasonable, within character, and not ‘wrong’. But people tend to act or react only as far as their knowledge stretches. They are incapable of seeing beyond that sphere, and look deeper as to fathom what is actually the truth.

If that is all I am capable of, I will accept that. Because I am no saint. My patience does have a limit, and I have reached it. I am only human. And certainly it is not an excuse – rather, an understanding or explanation of why I behave like so. If people choose to believe that I am wrong, or they decide to characterize my actions as evil, vengeful, and whatever else – so be it. Because I have lost all care for their opinion.

In connection with this, a question vitriolically put to me a while ago makes perfect sense: ‘What importance is it to you?’. Another meaning is: ‘Why does it matter?’ or ‘Why do you care?’

The bottom line the person was trying to deliver to me is that it is not my business.

At the time, I was upset when he said it to me. No, the better word would be that I was offended. Very much. The first thing that I felt like saying was, “Fuck You.” I thought, how dare he say it to me?

He completely ruined my mood let me tell you that.

Now however, I know that he was, and is, absolutely right. I shouldn’t care about what people think. I shouldn’t let it affect my mood, my life – not even so much, but not at all. I should be able to live, without having to second-thought my actions so as to make sure that it would not be disapproved. Because I should not live for their approval. I should not live for anyone’s approval, but my own.

Again this is not to say that for all instances I should have no regard for propriety and everything else – but that save for that and that alone, I really should not care. And I should not make it my business to care. Will this mean that I don’t, in fact, have a good head on my shoulders, and an equally good heart inside my ribs? Or that indeed, I am spiteful at times? Well fuck that.

Why? Because only then will I be able to be truly content with myself. And that is the ultimate happiness that any human can get in this life.