Without You - Justin Richards

Am so in love with Justin Richard's vocals. Below is "Without You" - by Brighten, an incredibly underrated Band who I swear, is the most deserving of a huge break.

---

I can make a mess of a good thing
Try to think it through, think of everything
I'll never get engaged with a mood ring
That's why I need you

I'll never look for love, it will find me
Take me surprise, it will blind me
I never knew it could be right behind me
And that's why I need you
Oh darling, I need you

She don't know what to do
She won't call me
I'll never know everything
But I know you love me
And I don't ever lose to you
I can't do a thing without you
Never ever lose to you
Can't do a thing without you

Well I could fight a war like a veteran
Give you a little more like a gentleman
Learning from before, I'll be a better man
I know I need to

I know I need a heart like the one you have
I know I need a love like my mom and dad's
I'll try to stay cool when things get bad
And that's why I have you
Oh darling, I have you

She don't know what to do
She won't call me
I'll never know everything
But I know you love me
And I don't ever lose to you
I can't do a thing without you
Never ever lose to you
Can't do a thing without--can't do a thing without you

No matter where we are
No matter where we are
You know everything about me

She don't know what to do
She won't call me
I'll never know everything
But I know you love me

And I don't ever lose to you
I can't do a thing without you
Never never lose to you
Can't do a thing without you

Can't do a thing without you

Not until it's Right

and the autumn on the ground
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons
...

watch as lovers pass me by
walking stories whos and hows and whys
...
pondering you

I'll give it time, give it space
...for a spell...


*I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding the darkest night
Love is waiting 'till we're ready
'till its right
Love is waiting.

...
there's no hand that I would rather hold
...I'm singing for strangers about you...
...

***excerpts from "Love is Waiting" by Brooke Fraser - an extremely talented musician and vocalist. Her voice makes you want to slow dance, in the rain, with tears and laughter in your eyes.

Poor Man's Mad Libs

1. When I woke up this morning, I knew today would be ______full of events____________.
2. __________Believe________ me.
3. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, I'd be ____in my old room, in my house in London______________.
4. ___Pink_______________ is my favorite __colour________________.
5. I can't get ___The Temper Trap's "Fader"_________ out of my head.
6. If ____I am wrong______________, then ____you are too______________.
7. You should __just go________________ and ___leave_______________ me.
8. Fuck _____the bitches_____________.
9. I ____thought______________ you were ___better than this_______________.
10. Sometimes, I can't ___breathe_______________.
11. If only I _ was more brave_________________.
12. Last time we ____talked______________, I ___was confused_______________.
13. ____Reading______________ is the last thing I do before I go to bed.

Wrap Me in a Straitjacket So I'll Shut Up

This has not been a very good week for me. Too many papers equals to too many headaches.

And just when I thought that that's the end of it, I am told that there is more to come. I thought, why not just murder me and have done with it? *wry look*

We still await delivery, and I have my work cut out for me. And I've neglected to wear my glasses when I'm in front of the computer that my eyes have been hurting like mad since Wednesday. So I've been wearing it for two days straight.

I'm not sure if it's anything from my brain - I really hope it isn't. Currently I'm putting the blame on not enough rest and sleep. But I'll know for sure next year when I have it scanned again.

All the while - I remind myself to breathe.

Oh and It's Fading Fader...Talk Won't Change a Thing

This song has been on my mind non-stop for the past week.

The Temper Trap's "Fader":

I'm in transit
floating stranded on this boat
And I pledge myself allegiance
To a better night sleep at home

And the sweet, sweet sun's comin' down
Hard, the sun's comin' down
Hard, it burns the bones
So hold a hand for cover
Hold a hand for cover
Hold a hand for cover from harm

Talk don't change a thing
Oh, it's fading fader
Words don't sink, it swims
Oh, it's fading fader

bless this mess we tried our best
thats all that we can do
While the angels walk with the lonely ones
In the cold rain to rescue you

And this fable world's comin' down
Hard, walls comin' down
Hard, in all our homes
So hold a hand for cover
Hold a hand for cover
Hold a hand for cover from harm

Talk don't change a thing
Oh, it's fading fader
Words don't sink, they swims
Oh, it's fading fader


Talk don't change a thing
Oh, it's fading fader
[I'm in transit]
Words don't sink, it swims
[Ah, sweet as a moment, be that it may]
Oh, it's fading fader

Balancing steps on Unbalanced Wheels

Sometimes, I wonder whether I truly have a good head on my shoulders, and an equally good heart inside my ribs. I seem to be…a bit too spiteful at times. Of course, this statement naturally implies that for all the other times that I am merely spiteful, it is OK? I would resent this interpretation, because I think the more apt understanding is that I am simply responding, to the evil that gets me.

Someone told me that they wished I could be more peaceful in the future. I took that to mean, more peaceful with myself, with people, with the world in general. I thought it was, and is, a good wish – one that I thank the wisher for being so thoughtful to think of it. Because if I look down at the depths of my soul, I know that I am not content. And maybe this atones for my sourly disposition which I exhibit to the world at large sometimes. Mind you, please do not misunderstand this to mean that I am an angry person always – but it does mean that I can, at times, be a real bitch. And I link this to the proposition I put up earlier, that what I am doing – is being responsive.

The reason why I, primarily, disagree with the implication of me being too spiteful as a person, or that I am perpetually angry, is because it is an inherent action resulting from my human nature. I think anyone who has had bad things happen to them, would naturally respond to it – and the only question is whether one responds positively, or negatively. Frankly, I believe most do the latter, because most humans are not capable of saintly attitudes that creates the former’s more sunnier disposition. Most humans are selfish. That includes myself I’m afraid.

To elaborate – if someone comes up to you and insults you, or take the mickey out of your religious beliefs, or tell people completely horrendous things about you which are not truthful and based solely on their own self-centered beliefs – do you honestly expect yourself to be able to only smile and not feel an ounce of anger? That you would not be driven to curse them or feel like knocking on their heads with a bat and shout ‘Wake up!’?

I think, that that is an impossible feat. And that even if you do manage to smile, you do so only after you quell your ‘evil’ thoughts down and convince yourself that you are far better than this, that it is not worthy to respond to it. You would be right on this last bit here however – this I don’t dispute. But again, to emphasize, I have a problem with the idea that one is expected to simply not feel, or not feel anything in response. It’s like an action and reaction thing – you do something, and you get another thing as a result. And that, is what I have been, and am, doing: reacting.

Clearly I would be biased on my own behalf and believe that my reaction is entirely reasonable, within character, and not ‘wrong’. But people tend to act or react only as far as their knowledge stretches. They are incapable of seeing beyond that sphere, and look deeper as to fathom what is actually the truth.

If that is all I am capable of, I will accept that. Because I am no saint. My patience does have a limit, and I have reached it. I am only human. And certainly it is not an excuse – rather, an understanding or explanation of why I behave like so. If people choose to believe that I am wrong, or they decide to characterize my actions as evil, vengeful, and whatever else – so be it. Because I have lost all care for their opinion.

In connection with this, a question vitriolically put to me a while ago makes perfect sense: ‘What importance is it to you?’. Another meaning is: ‘Why does it matter?’ or ‘Why do you care?’

The bottom line the person was trying to deliver to me is that it is not my business.

At the time, I was upset when he said it to me. No, the better word would be that I was offended. Very much. The first thing that I felt like saying was, “Fuck You.” I thought, how dare he say it to me?

He completely ruined my mood let me tell you that.

Now however, I know that he was, and is, absolutely right. I shouldn’t care about what people think. I shouldn’t let it affect my mood, my life – not even so much, but not at all. I should be able to live, without having to second-thought my actions so as to make sure that it would not be disapproved. Because I should not live for their approval. I should not live for anyone’s approval, but my own.

Again this is not to say that for all instances I should have no regard for propriety and everything else – but that save for that and that alone, I really should not care. And I should not make it my business to care. Will this mean that I don’t, in fact, have a good head on my shoulders, and an equally good heart inside my ribs? Or that indeed, I am spiteful at times? Well fuck that.

Why? Because only then will I be able to be truly content with myself. And that is the ultimate happiness that any human can get in this life.

Fall down and Get Back Up Again

This post is long overdue. I had planned to blog about this as soon as I came back from my trip to Hong Kong in the second week of March, but things caught up with me. Naturally, I put this to the side, pended it, was mad because I couldn't write about it soon enough, and 'tis now nearing the end of the month already and I've just had the time to spare myself a little space to breathe and write.

If you are a frequent reader of this blog - which I doubt anyone is since not many know of this bit of virtual space I use to vent, but if you do happen to stumble upon it, you're no stranger to the fact that I often write about life. Specifically - I reflect on the on-goings in my life.

Approximately six months ago, I was asked to coach a team. This team, as it will participate in an event where the participants in each team is limited to the most minimum of people, would only consist of three people. In other words, I would not be coaching a large team like usual, but a rather medium sized one, and in the midst of my work, should be manageable.
So it was on this basis that I took up the job.

We held out the internal selection at the Faculty to choose the students who will make up the team. And three were selected, all from different batches. Two boys, and a girl.
At first sight, they do not make up what you would by instinct view as a formidable team. One of them, not only has the appearance of veritable youth but certainly employs the characteristics that is often seen from one still so young. One other upon first impression would seem to be all serious and capable, hiding his true nature as that of a laid-back person and very much capable of mischievous pranks. And the girl, sophisticated looking but seems to be unsure of herself when talking.

Certainly a unique team these three people make.

I always made it a point that when I coach, my ultimate goal is not to win, or be number one, or anything ambitious in such likes. My goal is always, for nothing but the students in the team, to learn. And that they would enjoy learning with each other, learning what they learn in the period of six months, that they feel and think of it as a fun activity, pressure-less, and most importantly, that they actually like what they do.

The reason is because I've been in their position - all I wanted, was to learn, and what I received instead, was pressure. I hated it. Now I am not saying that pressure was all that I received, I certainly did learn a lot also from the process, but I have always felt that, if I could feel like it is fun, it would make the entire thing more bearable.

So I made a vow to myself, that if I ever do find myself in the position of a coach, that I would not, that I would never, make it a point to be ambitious. It throws everything off-balance.
It doesn't matter if we don't get a standing ovation. Or loud applauds. Because at the end of the day, the price of that is too much to bear. And I don't wish that on anyone that I coach.

If we do manage, by some lucky shot or blessing from God to receive a most treasured gift, then we will be thankful, and praise Him for thinking us worthy enough to receive it.

Six months past then, I set out in yet another coaching venture.

I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I didn't know any of these people. They seem to be of a different sort than I usually coach, and as usual, I was hesitant of myself on what to do. In the end, I decided to go by my gut instincts, and just to go with it.

It turns out, that I was the one being coached by these three very remarkable people. :)

I honestly feel, that at the end of this six months, I am the one who has learned a lot, and the one grateful for the gift of time of being with them.

Certainly we had our ups and downs - times where I'd feel so frustrated and at my wit's ends, not knowing how else to deliver my message to some or all of them. Times where I thought I was doing such a lacking job on all three of them because of my inability to balance my time well in the middle of everything else I do, including work. Times where mistakes were repeated and not learned. So I am not saying that I had a perfect time.

But what I did have, is indubitably, the best of times.

One of them taught me not be so serious all the time, and challenged me to see the proper weight of everything. That it is OK to be mad. And to relax.

Another made me realize that I need to be more watchful of myself, and to not forget to reflect, on promises that I made. Because I may not always deliver, even though I badly wanted to.

And another made me learn to always place common sense in its rightful place. That everything is only everything, because I make it so. That everything can become nothing, if I make it so. And he made me better see the black in the white, and likewise, the white that is in all the black.

The night that the journey finally ended for us, I asked them all to evaluate and reflect back - and to give me feedback, so I know that if I ever do take this position up again (which I doubt very much I'd be able to do), I know what not to do and what to do.

I am most thankful, to know that they had grown to love the team, and each other. That they had truly enjoyed being with the team, that we can all look back on this with laughter and tears in our eyes, because of the treasured memories. The fact that they were not working very well in the beginning as a team, where one of them hated the other and that that feeling was mutual, but they were able to look beyond themselves and evolved into - in my belief - is the best team I have ever seen.

There were those that looked down upon them of course. Those who believed they 'sucked'. And other thoughts.

Whether those beliefs and thoughts are correct, would again depend on one's own definition of what makes up a good team. The answers would vary.

But if anyone asks me, I would say - if there is one team you should learn from, it is them.

*dedicated to three unique, gifted and special individuals: Nic, Gan, and Marsh.

Falling Down

"You're making me fall down
I'm falling down again
I wish I could fall down
Can you catch me darling?"

- Falling Down by Goo Goo Dolls (John Rzeznik)

Just the Only One

Do you know that you make me feel surreal
like all the things one could only see in dreams
and that disappears the moment that you wake?
Do you know that you are capable of the most magical things?
You never fail to make me laugh or lift me up when I'm in my darkest state of mind

and you would challenge me into
all of these nonsensical debates
where you would never let me win
and even when we're both spent and tired
still you issue out your last sentence
and force me to begin again

Do you know how valuable your every thought and concerns are to me
you make me feel like I'm worthy
Do you know that you are not what I expected
and always full of surprises that make me hold back
only to question if this is what I've been looking for

and you're the only one who's hit it thrice
in every place that matters
that was when I knew I'd give up all else if I
could just be with you
and you're the only one who I know would
hold me up if I'm drunk and tell me that
I still look beautiful.

and you're the only one who's ever known
what I mean even before my saying it and
you are the only one who knows, who truly knows
just exactly what I mean.

*Dedicated to my high-school friend who's getting married this summer - congratulations Kania :)

Big Machine

Put my player on random play-all, and this song which I've not heard in ages, came up. Cannot appreciate the beauty of John Rzeznik's writings enough. He is - pure and simple - amazing. And the tunes to this song, rocks.

"Big Machine" - John Rzeznik of Goo Goo Dolls

Ecstasy is all you need
Living in the big machine
Oh you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothing's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care

Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God it's good to be alive

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel

Now this angry little girl
Drowning in this petty world
And I'm who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you No I can't believe it's coming true
God it's good to be alive
And I'm still here waiting for you
No I can't believe it's coming true
I'm blind and waiting for you

Settle Down

so I’m putting it out, putting it, out there
Laying it down open and wide, on the table
completely free and free of non-brevity
what else are you asking for?

I’m baring it all, to this big, open space
just throwing it out, no second thoughts to the haze
and whatever form of cloud is greying my days
I won’t turn around, am not gonna settle down

for this:
I have walked countless miles by now
all the seas and sands pales by comparison
and the splashes of colours that brightens,
they are…so few but so precious…
and I have argued my lifetime in the courts
I’ve debated two-edged swords but I
am unsatisfied with the way things are turning out
so don’t keep me down, I’m not gonna settle
- not this time.

some people keep looking for what they’ve already found
and even when they’ve found still they cannot grasp
somehow it remains so out of touch and incapable to reach
but is it more due to lack of will than lack of sound mind?
The circle starts nowhere it seems…
yet a closer look clarifies all points, and
squares out all those doubts into
empty space,… so to keep away hollow,
I, won’t settle,
- not this time

Shut Your Eyes Close

Shut your eyes close, sometimes it's the only way to see
When all else seems to fail and leave you hollow and empty
Shut your ears out, sometimes it's the only way to hear
When all the voices are but painful screams that you do not need, here

and once everything slowly calms
once the storm betrays its axis,
I'll finally quit spinning around...
and once the wheels of time unfreeze
maybe then I'll get to breathe
and see without tunnel vision smoking my way through.

The air is thick with tension and
pressurized moments seconds away from explosion
and results beyond control
The vertical line is diagonal
and the patches of grass is rudimentary to
my keeping a firm stand

but once the earthquake empty out
all the sins that were cast without shame
would I be brave enough to admit blame?
and once the wheels of time unfreeze
can my hopes be something more than its extent?
I am thirsty to breathe clearly
all the confusion you pollute suffocate me.

so stop me not from shutting my lids close
this may be one of those times I can only see
without the influence of others corrupting me.

Hypocrite

the little things that matter to me,
don't much matter to anyone else here, I know
and it is much too much to ask for...
But the little things that I often wish for
all the images that float by in my mind
are lined in gold threads,
and they make me believe that I can have:

***
them if only I stay this way and never falter, never change in the way
that I think and view the world as they are
and nothing but as it is
that to put bleach on what is coloured is to ruin what is already
naturally beautiful...
and that I'd be the best hypocrite of them all.

All the little things that they put aside
push to the back and don't think twice or look back on
someday will come to haunt
and maybe then they will wonder what they've been missing
but it'll be much too late for regrets and
it'll be much too far a time to change
so this is why I'm staying away
from all the diamonds and other shows of wealth that
everyone else has to offer...

But the little things that I often wish for
all the images that float by in my mind
are lined in gold threads,
and they make me believe that I can have:

***
them if only I stay this way and never falter, never change in the way
that I think and view the world as they are
and nothing but as it is
that to put bleach on what is coloured is to ruin what is already
naturally beautiful...
and that I'd be the best hypocrite of them all.

Pray for You

My favourite lyrics for the moment:

"Pray for You" by Jaron and the Long Road to Love

Haven't been in church since
I don't remember when
Things were going great
Til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher
As he told me what to do
Said you cant go hating others
who done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry
But we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do his job
And you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out
Running down a hill
I pray a flower pot falls
From a window sill
And knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray your flying high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are
Honey, I pray for you

Really glad I found my way to church
Cause I'm already feeling better and I thank God for the words
So I'm gonna take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messing up
And Ill keep praying for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out with your best friend
And wake up with his and her tattoos

Wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car
Wherever you are honey, I pray for you.

The Breaking of the Ice Escapes Unnoticed in My Numb State

You're not the only one whose defenses are down, so let me in
let me inside of your innermost feelings
and you just might find that you've always been the able person that you are
once you get a hold of yourself back
once you get a grip on the facts

when the breaking of the ice escapes unnoticed in my numb state
I've evolved blind ears and dead eyes
but the wall keeps closing in
and I keep shrinking and thinking like
I'll be better of out of here than further on my drunken escapade

You're not the only one whose defenses are down, so let me in
maybe together we'll somehow find
utopia
in a place where we can't see
but it'll be good enough for we'll still feel
and that is all that matters in the end
that we can feel
that I can feel what you can feel

so whisper ever so softly and let the wind carry
I'll snatch it up and float it up
where I'm sure everyone will notice
that the broken shards of ice are insignificant
and worthy not of my thoughts
no worthy not of my thoughts
at all

Rinse

I've found that hardship is a trademark of life. Often it is defined and experienced in a great variety of ways by people from all walks of life. But those differences do not matter. What's important is that you have the will to get yourself through it all - whatever barrier may come your way. Come what may, come what may.

On this post I thought I'd share a spark of my thoughts on one of life's many lessons. I'd like to talk about learning to let things be.

Because though I've advised it to several of my friends, I am now finding it difficult to enact.

Learning to let things be, especially when you're on the edges of your patience - is not a piece of cake. 'Tis miserably hard, and emotionally challenging. I talk in particular, of learning to let things be when your character is slowly slaughtered, bit by bit.

In the middle of everything, you pause and look around to find, that you're stuck in something close to virtual reality - because truthfully, there is not much that you can do to ease the situation. Save for having done with it all, and run.

I have not made any confirmation as to what steps I should take, but suffice it to say that I feel like what I am sorely, and most dearly tempted to do, would make a coward out of myself. Would make me the one shamed. Which is a ridiculous thought, really.

I'm not making much sense methinks, here. I guess this is what happens when one tries to sort out one's very, very, messy, muddled thoughts.

What it means to be free

The clock reads 2:27am, and I am wide awake still. 'Tis not unusual, for I am known for my bat-like habits. What is unusual is some of the major reasons why I am wide awake.

I am swimming in deep thoughts - occasionally going down under, and I'll come up for air, just to keep myself alive. The cool soothing water that floats by heals inner wounds, but I wasn't born with gills, and webbed my feet are not. So swim I must.

The music playing in the back ground is "New Heights" by A Fine Frenzy. Not exactly the most relaxed set of tunes to accompany me tonight, but somehow it fits nicely.

Random though this surely will be, I need to ask: what does it mean to be free?

Is it free from guilt? Free from burdens? Free to do anything one wants? Free to speak? Free to breathe? Free from slavery? What?

I don't believe its any of the above that sets the true definition for free.

After tonight, what I believe is that, to be free, is to be able to live, just as you are, and trust in the Almighty, that even after everything and what is yet to come, you'll be OK. You'll be alright.

Match Me If You Can

My Motto of the day, week and possibly month going into year:

"Successful people create their own reality, Annabelle. Grab the ball and get in the game."
Heath Champion (Harley Davidson Campione) to Annabelle Granger in 'Match Me If You Can' by Susan Elizabeth Phillips.

Are you seeing clearly?

I came across this post while stumbling, and found it to be one of the most insightful things I've ever had the chance to read.

The post, which consist of 10 subjects, essentially talks of every day heroes, and explains exactly what they did or what had happened. This particular subject was Aron Ralston, who apparently had cut off his own arm in order to survive. Why he ended up in the predicament of having to cut off one of his body parts in the first place was because he'd been climbing/hiking or something, and some time during which, he got stuck by a boulder. After days without water and food, Aron was desperate and thus, decided to cut off his arm.

When I read the post, I had agreed with what the writer said about Aron - that he was brave, and that he is perhaps one of the few true survivors among humans. How many of us would dare to make that choice when faced with extreme situations like that? I doubt I would do that to survive.

But as I read the comments to the post, one struck me in particular. This guy, said this:

"This man is a moron, and i kinda wish he died so we wouldnt have to deal with his stupidity any further, or better yet he had no knife so he could chew his arm off. By dying we could have still used him as an example of how not to have fun in the wilderness. 1) You should never go out alone, A pair is OK but not ideal because if anything happens it leaves the person in trouble while the other goes for help, Three or more people is ideal. 2) Never go out without telling someone where your going (which includes your route) when you are leaving and when you should be returning/ hear from them again. I know little kids who know better than this fucktard (albeit they are cubscouts). Be Prepared."


Weird as it may make me look, I actually laughed out loud. Because after I read this, I found myself agreeing with his opinion for the most part. I mean - the guy's logic makes sense.

On the other hand though, this post serves as a perfect example of how people will always have different views on everything. The one who wrote the post, wrote from the viewpoint of survival - of having the braveness to act against desperate odds. The one who commented, wrote from a more objective, logical viewpoint of being sensible. And if you think about it, the guy who commented would seem to be the more correct - since he raises valid points which we should take notice of, and which should actually be glaringly obvious for 'survival' purposes.

So I give kudos to the guy who commented. Had I not scrolled down the page, I would have missed the point.

New Year, New Year

Honestly speaking, I can hardly believe 2009 is over already. Felt like it was only yesterday that I made my 2009 Resolutions, some of which are fulfilled and some... dreadfully neglected.

It's become a tradition somewhat for me to make resolutions every new year - if you scroll back my posts you'll see one of my older ones (there won't be many since this is a relatively young blog). I think the one before 2009 is 2008 or something, I'm not too sure. It's been a heck of a long time since I last blogged here, which I'll explain later in a bit.

So here I am again, on January 1, 2010 - the time at the corner of my macbook is reading 2:37am - typing away before the screen.

Now there's a reason why I am typing so wickedly early in the morning. I had originally planned to get this post out way, waaay, before midnight. Or at least, I thought, half an hour after midnight max. Alas, as most things in life, rarely is it that events go the way we plan - as I evidenced myself today, for the n-th time.

What happened that delayed my typing?

I'm not entirely sure of how many people are reading this, and while my gender as a female I assume can be easily gathered simply by reading the name on the right corner of this blog, and therefore what I am about to confess should by all means and purposes be considered natural consequences, I can't help feeling a trifle embarrassed over it. But, there is no getting around it so I'll just shoot right to the point.

I had my period. Which, if I ever make a dictionary specifically for references as to my life, under the word "period" there will definitely be the following definition:

"complete and utter hell in which I spend a minimum of five hours of my life, with all sorts of pains as company, and during which time I am unable to do absolutely anything".

The whole shiite started at 6pm - and went on until close to 12 midnight. (or is 00:00 more appropriate??)

And today, out of all the other times where I do have it, just so happens to be one of the most horrific ones ever - because it was so painful, I threw up. Twice.
Thing is, I wouldn't have minded so much if after that I immediately felt well again, but no.

I drank what must have been like tons of tea just to get my stomach to calm down. I only hope next month isn't going to be as crap. I think the last time I ever throw up because of my period was six months ago. So fingers crossed that the next time will also at least not be until another six months, if it honestly cannot be evaded.

Before you ask why I don't simply take pills to ease the pain, I'll answer that: it's because my overprotective mother doesn't trust those pills (she believes they will do me more harm than good, and since she did train to become a doctor, I do feel she knows what she's talking about). Also, it seems to be an infliction I inherited from her side of the family. She had it when she was my age, and perhaps worse because she used to faint whenever she gets it, and my grandmother had it too. And there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me other than the fact that I experience severe pains while I'm at it - so I suppose it's just one of those things I'll have to bear for being a female.


Moving on then to the actual reason behind this particular post - which is my 2010 Resolutions. Before I go into that, I thought I should explain more on what happened with some of my 2009 ones, and reflecting on my life in kaleidoscope for 2009.

I'll start first with what I did manage to achieve:

1. passed the bar exam (although I really did think that I was going to fail this,... I could've sworn I wasn't going to pass the bloody thing...)
2. read some of the books on my reading list
3. explore legal writing at work
4. learned a lot from several considerable cases
5. managed to now drive not so much like a maniac: (I am now a much calmer driver thank you,: I don't fight with insane bus drivers whose perpetual goal is to overtake every other driver out there, I don't bully motorcycles into moving to where they rightly belong which is the LEFT side of the road (because this is simply out of my hands, and I now accept with much disdain that there is just nothing I can do to make them go where I want them to go), I don't swear or flip off so much hahaha,, although I can't seem to resist honking at idiot drivers yet...)
6. managed to balance my time quite well between all my activities: coaching, assisting once in a while in the World Bank's small projects, studying for the bar exam, working, reading up on all the things on my list, writing

As for what I did not manage to achieve (read: completely failed) are as below:

1. secure where I want to go for master's
2. finish the novel I am trying to write (After the Fog Clears)
3. read up on some of the more important books I had set my eyes on early this year
4. be more diligent on executing my activities

Out of those four, what I really regret is not being able to finish the novel. I had made a timeline for expected dates of finished chapters - but I couldn't do it. And I hate it, because this was in fact, one of my priorities last year.

On the books on my reading list, this too I regret. The reason why I failed to do this, is because looking back, work really did got out of hand - that on weekends I simply didn't have the energy to read up on those list, and instead, ventured to other reading materials which are lighter and comforting.

Another thing is my character development. I had several major fights with my mother this year - and I really do mean, major. I regret that this had to happen, and I regret that I wasn't able to control my emotions better during those tense moments. While admittedly there are certain family issues which triggered these fights, and while objectively-speaking, I honestly do feel that I was justified to have been angry - at the same time I believe I should have been better. Because no matter what had happened, clearly I had the ability to stop myself from doing what I know I would later regret.

Also on character development is my tendency to procrastinate. One would never guess it of me, and perhaps, if I mention it hardly anyone would believe that I do this. But it's true. I procrastinate. I don't procrastinate badly in that I end up making a muck of my responsibilities - thankfully I've been able to meet everyone of them as well as the deadlines. But I can't deny that I could have exerted more effort and more time on all of those things, and thereby getting a much more satisfactory result. This includes taking the time to keep in touch with contacts, which is also an area of problem for me.

Specifically, the problem is with me in being able to respond promptly, which I don't. Or if I do, I can count it with the fingers on my hands. The reason, often, is because I couldn't find the words to say in response. And if I do find them, I'd think they were insufficient to be a response, and I'd then wait until inspiration strikes and I can come up with a good and worthy response.

Obviously, this isn't something I should make of a habit, because I may not have as much luxury in the future to prolong responses like this.


On work, which still relates to character development - I've been seriously challenged this year by a certain colleague in particular. Let's call the colleague 'person' to maintain neutrality.

Person, is an unbelievable human. I would hate for you to misunderstand me so I'm making it clear that I don't actually mean that in a good way. Person is unbelievable, because person has managed to show me that one can truly be so absorbed, so blind, so self-righteous, and so stubborn, that change is virtually an impossibility - if there ever is an impossibility. Working with person, for many hours and days, formed quite the major part of my 2009, constructed many of the laboring pains therein as well, but in hindsight, also forced me to learn extremely hard.

I've lost count of the many times I came home feeling inconceivably mad and ranted off online using very impolite words and expressions (fortunately not here so you're saved from reading those), and relayed every incident to my closest circle. I think I can verify that I'm not the one who's bonkers in all the drama, because everyone I know who also knows Person apparently shares my thoughts. I can therefore only conclude that Person is the one who is mad.

But now that Person is no longer there, while I feel a gratifying sense of relief, I also feel loss. Because now that I am not forced to learn by other events outside of myself, or that the lesson is not directly visible before my eyes, I have to force myself to learn them, and will myself to be trying just as hard, just as tiring, as when Person was there to challenge me.

Maybe that's why people say 'Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer' - because it's one's enemies who truthfully put variety in your life, and shift you from your comfort zone. And we need that.

Below is a photo of my old agenda, which I got for free off a magazine:


And here are some excerpts of my life in there:


Aaand another one:




This year, I couldn't find any magazine which offered agendas of good quality for free like last year :( So I've bought this one:


and this is what the inside looks like:

Clearly it is SIGNIFICANTLY and MAJORLY different from the one I used last year. It's smaller, which means I have less space to write in, but also means it is more compact so a lot more versatile to carry around. One thing I don't like about this agenda is that it doesn't have a big monthly outline - which means its harder for me to be able to schedule things as clear as last year when I could see the big picture for each month.

Change is inevitable though so I might as well deal with it.

Based on the aforementioned reflections, I now write myself the following Resolutions for 2010:

1. Secure where I want to go for Master's
2. Finish "After the Fog Clears"!
3. Be more wise emotionally
4. Finish the Reading List
5. achieve the best possible result for anyone I coach
6. Work more professionally, specifically: be more diligent, flexible, and quick on both feet on every single thing work-related
7. reply e-mails honestly as soon as possible, at least within TWO days of receiving the e-mail!
8. take better care of my health: exercise more, eat more, drink A LOT more (I hardly ever consume water and this is dangerous for my health), rest more, sleep more
9. avoid procrastinating anything
10. be more patient
11. have the ability to make sound yet timely decisions (I tend to over-think on things...)

It is my hope and aim to be able to tick off everything on that list above. If God Wills it, next year I may be able to do that.

The clock is now reading 4:06am, and lest I sign off now and go to bed, I'm already going to violate Resolution #8 lol, so I'm going.

"Suspect each moment, for it is a thief, tiptoeing away with more than it brings" - John Updike.